almost there

I'm not as nervous as I thought I'd be today. I've been trying to prepare as much as possible without tiring myself out. I've just got laundry and a few other small things really, pack a bag just in case I have to stay overnight. That's if they have to open my pelvic cavity and can't just use the small incisions they make. Actually for anyone who's interested in what exactly my surgery will entail.. http://www.endo-resolved.com/laparoscopy.html That's a really great explanation. I'm very relieved and happy that my sister is being kind enough to take the time to drive me and my boyfriend is coming too. That will help me immensely. I just hope I don't  have to stay, and I can get in and out of the hospital and home to my bed for sleep. Home to watch the Exorcist and do some colouring books, though I'm sure I'll just want to sleep. I did get myself a 2 more colouring books yesterday. One of beautiful mandalas and one of cats and kittens. Super cute. I organized my nightstand so all of my art stuff is handy, and I've even got blank paper and some of my stuff to work on for when I want to get really creative and be original. I'm feeling good and hoping for the very best.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads this, thank you for your support, it means SO much.

7 days to go...

My surgery is in 7 days... FUCK, I am so nervous and excited. I'm like a kid before Christmas with my guts all twisted up. I've been trying not to think about it. It's just so scary, and because it's the only way to diagnose and then take out anything and everything that shouldn't be there. I wonder what shape my ovaries and uterus is in, how will this affect my fertility? I have to drink pico silax which is this crap that will empty out my bowels before my surgery so they can check them out properly too. I have a feeling my appendix will come out for sure.... I just have to think about how much pain I have been in, especially  this last week with my period and know that this is going to help me. It has to.

I am happy my sister is going to drive me and Ryan is coming with me. It will help make me less anxious. I just need to try my best to keep myself busy until then and get what I need to do before it done.

I've been really enjoying adult colouring books lately, which I really thought I wouldn't like. I guess it's because I don't have to think about what I'm doing and I just get to use colour, which I love. I find it inspiring too. I will surely be doing lots of colouring and doodling after my surgery to keep myself busy. I've got lots of markers and coloured pens and pencil crayons and even some Mr. Sketch markers that take me back to my childhood colouring with my Mum. It's fun.

I'm so tired

This has been a bad period so far, even before I started bleeding today. I just want to die because it's so bad. It makes me so tired and drained and it takes me soo long to recover from it, if I ever do. I am so sore, I just want to sleep in my bathtub because it's the most relief I can get. I will have another hot one before bed, with lavender oil and baking soda and Epsom salts. I napped earlier and I put some lavender oil on a tissue and held it to my nose and inhaled it as I fell asleep. It really helped, and I will do it again tonight, as it is very soothing and relaxing. I hope I can get a good sleep tonight, I have to get up early because the owners of the building or something are coming just to check in with everyone as people have been complaining about the new landlord. Ah well, I can nap after they come. The story of my life, I live for naps. I sleep so much it's absurd, but that's just a part of my life now. I need to because of how tired I constantly am and it just never seems to end. I wake up tired. I still have a hard time sleeping though, and when I do sleep I feel like I move around so much that I might make my pain worse. I know I need to go to a sleep clinic, I need to find a new Dr. I did get a call about an appointment for a gastro specialist but its not until march, I need to get myself on the cancellation list.

I still can't get over how bad my pain is this month. It's so hard to describe too, I can say that my pain on my right side hasn't been as bad as usual, but my other pain has more than made up for that. It sort of feels like there are weights or something in my pelvis/uterus and they are moving around pulling on everything. It's like all of my insides are stuck together and when I move everything hurts. My stomach is so swollen and bloated I look 6 months pregnant. I am always in wonder of how much I bloat. This meme says it all..

Mother fucking Pain

The pain has been really fucking bad recently. I am in a world of pain and it is hard because it can make me miserable, I have to do my very best to stay positive. Especially with my fucking PMS. Thank god I can self medicate, I don't even care what people think anymore. If it wasn't for weed I would spend all day in bed, unable to eat, sit up, watch TV, doodle, or do whatever to distract myself. It helps me laugh, dream and imagine. It helps me feel human again. I live day to day and moment to moment, I try my best to stay as positive as possible and enjoy every little thing I can. I spend more time in bed than most. I try to make myself feel pretty with being as comfortable and doing as little as possible. I don't wear makeup hardly at all, not even because I don't even want to, but because it takes to much time and effort. I am more than confident without it though. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and not care or worry what people think of me, I don't have time for that. My time is so precious now because of my illnesses and I will only do what's best for me and my own.

I just tossed and turned in bed for over 2 hours and I am in so much pain I can't sleep. Usually I am lucky enough that my tiredness surpasses my pain, but not tonight. I'm so frustrated, but I'm just going to smoke some weed and watch something funny on Kodi or sometime to keep my mind off my unbearable fucking pain until someone wakes up so I can go for a bath. I don't want to go for a bath while everyone else is sleeping, not safe, especially in my condition. Unless I get super tired and can't stay awake and can actually sleep.

I will say one thing for being chronically in pain, you really learn who your real friend are. You can easily tell what kind of a person you are dealing with as soon as you bring up your illness. You can tell who really cares.

I'm struggling a bit with the reality that I have 2 chronic illnesses that have no cure and both cause chronic pain. It's like one isn't enough? I don't want to feel sorry for myself, sometimes it's hard not to. I just feel like it's not fair for me to have this much pain, how can one person be able to take all of this on? I loathe myself because of how little I can do now, especially on days like this. I feel so useless and guilty sometimes. I do however have to remember how lucky I am. I have the most wonderful boyfriend who has stuck it out with me through all of this shit, and I know not everyone would. Ryan is so special to me, he's my best friend and he can always make me laugh. He makes me feel so loved and special all the time. I don't know what I would do without him, he really is my rock.

I've been working on this post since last night sometime.. I know I have more to say, but I think this will do for now. I'm going to try and have the best night possible and try my best to sleep. I will have another bath before bed, use lavender oil.

a small victory yesterday

I had a Dr.'s appointment yesterday, and I'll admit I was nervous considering how my last couple have with my family Dr. Well, I went to see an rheumatologist today, who I had got a referral for back in march I think, so I'd been waiting a while. I have to say though it went really well. Him and the nurse were very thorough and kind, They asked lots of questions to rule out other ailments and checked my trigger points. Man was it painful, but it was necessary to diagnose fibromyalgia. Yes I got a diagnosis, I know I shouldn't be as happy as I am, but it makes me feel so much better. I have a real reason for my pain, I can explain things much better to people know when I am educating too. Fibromyalgia is a co-morbid symptom of Endometriosis, so it only makes sense that I have this, and therefore it adds to my pain. I just feel so vindicated! I feel like I am going to be able to get help much easier now, and my confidence is that much stronger. I feel empowered and strong because I knew there was something wrong with my body for many years, even if I did ignore it at times.

I can't wait until Monday morning. We, as in Ryan, his parents and myself, have rented a cottage for 5 days. It is going to be so good to get out of the city for a few days and get myself some nature. I can't wait to go swimming (it better be warm enough) and having a bonfire. It really is a good time for a vacation, and we need it. It's just a matter of getting everything ready now, and I have to do laundry, which I loathe.

@#*$

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so helpless.

I called work today and spoke with my manager and it's something like this, they didn't schedule me because they are unsure what to do because of my missing so much work and not feeling well. I suggested maybe taking a leave until after my surgery if they would do that for me. I would hope to be able to then get unemployment until I can work again, he said he will run it by someone and see what they say. He didn't seem opposed to the idea and was very kind and understanding. I am going to try my luck tomorrow with my Dr. and see if she will write me a note saying I am unable to work. I have my doubts, but I have to try. I don't know what else I can do. The stress of this is really getting to me and I feel so defeated all the time. I feel so broken, I just keep losing to this disease.

I called my specialists office the other day and they are on vacation, so called my Dr.'s today and asked if she had heard from them and she hadn't. I'm disappointed because I am at the mercy of other people's efficiency. The only reason they wouldn't is if my Dr. had everything she needed. If that is the case then I don't know what's going on. I do know that I got a letter from a gastro place and it's a six months waiting. I suppose I will have to call and get on a cancellation list. I tried to call already but they are on vacation too.

I really hope that something good will happen to me tomorrow. I at least found a store I can get henna at, the raw powder.

bullshit at it's finest

I don't even know how to start this. I'm so beyond angry I feel like I might lose it.
I called work today to see when I work next, and apparently I don't work at all this week. So here is something else, more bullshit I have to deal with. Here is more injustice and discrimination because of this motherfucking bullshit disease!
As difficult it is for me to work sometimes, I need to work If I can't work I'm totally fucked. I need to make money. It's not even like I could get disability if I needed to because my disease doesn't really qualify. I feel like I'm totally fucked here.

I'm calling my Dr.'s tomorrow to make sure everything has been sorted out there so I can hopefully get some real help soon. I'm sick of this soreness and I haven't even started my period yet. I slept most of the day, and I probably could have slept it all away. It is so depressing being in pain all the time, sleeping your life away because it's the only relief you have. Going to work gives me that bit of normalcy I need in my life.

What I find especially troubling about all of this is how normal my story is among my Endo sisters. I was warned and give a heads up too, but until you're actually in it, it can be hard to understand. The isolation and hopelessness that comes with this disease and fighting for your ability to live your life. It takes a drastic toll and I wonder often how I will keep going. I wonder how my sister who are mothers do it, I wonder how they find he strength. I wonder how so many women can suffer so horribly and still nothing has changed. How our healthcare systems and medical researchers have failed the women of our world. How we are left to suffer.

Anger isn't even the word

I am so livid right now, it's unbelievable. I've been trying to get my Dr. to send me to the proper specialists and I had my specialists office send her everything and she still won't send me to a pain specialist. All I got was a fucking referral for a GI, which I do need. I just feel like a pain specialist is more important since I already had a referral to one and it was to far away. I have so little faith in the system, I have so little faith left.

This weekend I have to go to my niece's baptism, and not that I don't want to see my family and see my lovely nieces who I love so unbelievably much. I also get to be the Godmother this time. I'm just dreading all of the social activity's that will go along with it. I'm dreading faking it terribly and having to explain why it is so hard to get help for this disease and what little Dr.'s do and know.

I am just so tired of all of this and don't know how much more of this I can take. I will keep fighting as hard as I can and self medicating. At least I have that.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I am so disappointed and let down, I just want to give up.

I went to my Dr. to ask for a referral to a pain specialist, who my other Dr., my OBGYN had referred me to but it was to far away. I also asked for a referral to an Gastro Dr. which she didn't understand why, and wouldn't do for me. Something about needing something from my other Dr.? So I assume there is not mutual communication there, my Dr. had no idea what I was doing or anything. I got frustrated with her because she didn't want to help, I started to cry and said I feel like no one wants to help me., I said I am I pain all of the time and nothing helps me Well, she took it personally, and made it about her. She didn't even want to hear me. She showed me how she has referred me to other Dr.'s and said how she can only do so much as a Dr. herself. THEN SEND ME TO SOMEONE ELSE! I'm so angry with everything, I hardly even have enough energy to take care of myself anymore.
I tried explaining how I can hardly work anymore. I've already been working less and less, and while I need more money I cant responsibly ask for more work because I can barley handle my shifts as it is. I'm so over not being able to do shit, I feel like I'm screaming on the inside. I feel like there is nothing left, I just have to fucking hold on the best I can until my surgery and fucking hope for a miracle. I truly hope to be able to advocate for myself and other women on some real levels one day. I was thinking of anonymously dropping some copies of Endo what? to some Dr.'s offices around here. It makes me so angry that I'm left knowing more about this disease than my Dr.'s. I guess it's how it goes with something like this, it is just so infuriating that I have to educate everyone in my life on my disease and that I feel like I constantly have to explain myself. I know people look at me and think 'what the fuck is wrong with her? I know I'm misunderstood.

I'm so tired of being tired

I'm tired all of the time with this, and it is so frustrating. I'm sick of customers asking me if they are keeping me up, or some other smart ass comment when I yawn at work. It gets really old, really fast. I'm so sick of not knowing what else to do but lie down, because I'm so miserable from my pain and tired of myself. I'm sick of still having pain and spotting and this awful pain I get in my right side that hardly ever seems to goes away. It's like the Lolo sort of works, I get a couple of days of heavy bleeding, but I just keep spotting and hurting after. I'm sick of constantly fighting myself for the energy to tackle my day.

I just want to know what it feels like to feel 'normal'. To have the energy of my peers, to live life.

Wow, am I glad I got my shift covered yesterday when I was at work. I really didn't want to have to call in this morning and the pain was bad enough yesterday that I should have called in. Somehow I made it through, by popping extra strength Advil like mints. I really hate that, its mostly just psychological. I'm going to see my Dr. in a couple of weeks to ask for some referrals... finally. I know I need to stay on top of shit and be my own advocate, but it gets tiring, and I'm a procrastinator.

My hips are so unbelievably sore today, it's hard to explain. The pain is just so insane.

*continuing this 2 days later.. my hips are still just as sore, if not more. I have to work tomorrow night and I'm just dreading it, but I can't afford to miss it. I already gave up Sunday. I've started my period at least, I'm so glad I've got my Diva cup. This explains it all:

I slept until 4 yesterday. I couldn't believe it, but that's how tired this makes me. I feel like I could take a nap now. I can feel everything inside me throbbing and pulsing and it's gross and painful. Only 3 months left until surgery.


...another 2 days later, maybe I'll actually finish my thoughts here with this post. I made it through 4 hours of work last night, I don't even know how. It was pretty painful and tiring. Luckily it wasn't to busy because of the storm. I'm just so tired of being so tired all the time. I wish I could be physically active without the fear of my body hurting for days afterwards. I am so sore today too, I just want to go back to bed. I have to say one good thing has been since I've started this Lolo, my period has actually been shorter. I'm amazed that it has worked. I still have a lot of spotting after, but it's nothing compared to my period. This has helped me keep my faith and been a blessing. Anything to make anything easier for me is amazing. I still get the pain and everything, but my heaviness I get in my stomach doesn't seem to last as long, I think? I don't really know, but I just know that I love having a shorter period. It's a fucking miracle for me.

I suppose I should finish up these thoughts. I just needed to get some stuff out, and I know there is more but this is it for now.

this needs to get out

I've got a lot to get out right now, it's very personal, but it needs to be exposed. People need to be aware of how this disease can take so much away from someone's life. Not just my social life or my ability to so anything really physically tiring. Not just my friendships that have suffered or my art, which is another story all together. My sexual identity, my ability to own and express my most primal and basic instincts as a woman, as a human.

My heart breaks when I begin to think about this because I don't even know who I am sexually anymore.
I will explain, I can't even remember the last time I had an orgasm, or I wasn't afraid to have one. Yes afraid because as soon as I reach that point of pleasure, all hell breaks loose and my stomach and insides betray me and start to contract like nothing I've felt before. It has brought me to tears before. It is some of the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. I even hurt when I start to get excited, the physical thought of sexual activity makes my body hurt. My body reacts in pain. It is one of the most depressing things I have ever had to deal with. It makes me so sad because I've completely lost my sexual identity. I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be. It's bad enough that this disease has taken so much from me, but this has been the hardest struggle for me and what makes it even harder is the taboo of the subject matter. It is difficult for me as a woman to feel comfortable talking about this, but I've chose to speak out and end my silence. I hope that I can create some awareness so we don't have to suffer in silence anymore. If this was a man writhing this, I know people would be paying attention, just look at Viagra. It makes me crazy that I have to live with this, and it makes me crazy how unaware people are of this suffering women with Endometriosis live with day to day. It is hard having something that affects your body and mind, and the relationship between the two so profoundly.

I truly can't wait for my surgery and hope with everything I have that I no longer have this pain afterwards. I don't know what I will do if it doesn't change. I need this part of my life back, I need to feel empowered by my femininity again.

I'm counting my lucky stars. I was able to make it through work yesterday & I was lucky enough to get asked if I wanted to go home early on Saturday. It was such a blessing because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through my shift as it was a long one. Luckily yesterday was a nice short one and I still had a lunch.

I'm hurting today though, a lot. I'm so sore and stiff all over and my muscles and joints are just aching. I was trying to stay sleeping this morning but my pain wouldn't let me. I'm hoping to nap this afternoon. I'm just always surprised with how much I ache... I feel like I ran a marathon or something. This is picture really sums it up.

Thanks to my friend Sarah for sharing that on FB a while back.

I really can't wait for my surgery because I'm just so tired of feeling like shit all the time and I don't know how much more of this misery I can take. The anger and frustration it brings me is to much, and I don't handle anger well.

On a lighter note I managed to summon the spoons to go to Costco and got a 100ml bottle of tea tree oil for 15$ and it comes with a little book. I'm pretty happy, I saw it before and had been wanting to go back and get it. I'm also making some firecrackers, my second try. I'm using keif so they will be potent. I tried before but I don't think I baked them hot enough, but they somewhat worked. I hope these do, I need some relief, my hips & pelvis feel like they are trying to be ripped apart. I used peanut butter and hazelnut spread together and graham crackers. For those of you that don't know what firecrackers are, you use a cracker and peanut butter or something fatty like that with weed and you spread it on a cracker and bake it for about 20 mins. I used coconut oil to help make it even fattier, and you need those oils to activate the cannabis. I sued keif too which is the powder that you get when you grind your herb. I made 2 today so if this one doesn't work I can eat more, or of it does I can have it later tonight. I just ate it, it wasn't to bad. I don't mind the taste of weed though. I'm going to end this and see where this goes, I might have a bath because my stomach is so sore, relax so my firecracker can kick in.

I'm so frustrated and angry today. I just finished spotting maybe a week ago & now it's starting again. I can feel my period coming & I'm dreading it so much. I remembered when I awoke today that I had some pain last night and then when I got up I could feel it. It feels like someone is pouring chemicals inside me and it's making everything burn and hurt. It feels like I was punched over and over inside and I'm all bruised. My hips are stiff and ache so much that it hurts to move them. It's so depressing that I can't even believe it. I'm starting to worry about work, I worry because I don't know how much time I will miss. I worry I might lose my job. I wish my fucking treatment didn't have to affect how I feel so much, these fucking hormones have the best of me right now too. I've been a bitch lately & I don't like it.

I'm not ok right now, I'm freaking out because of my pain.

I need to write a list of all the things I need to do for myself, book my surgery off, some Vacation time, call my Dr.'s and get in and get my referrals. I just hate it. I do need to find a Dr. that will help me with my pain though because I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm just thankful that I only work 4 hours tonight. I can handle that right now, as long as I have stuff to keep me busy. I just have to take it one moment at a time.

more to say

I've still got a few more things to say, but this isn't me venting, and more of an afterthought.

Firstly I want to say that I don't want people's sympathy or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I want people to try and understand what Endo is like. I'm trying to raise awareness from my small corner of the world, in my circle hoping that our next generation of women can have some real hope for this disease. Endometriosis is a 1 in 10 disease, yet I am astonished and how little it is common knowledge. Furthermore the fact the it can cause chronic pain, chronic fatigue, bowel problems, painful sex, and so many other problems. How can so many women be suffering and so little is know? It is a tragedy.
So I want people to know what it's like to live with a disease like this. One where there is no cure and the current only way to diagnose is with surgery.

I would also like to make a point about pot. Yes pot. I know it's still a taboo subject for some, but I have a hard time understanding why. As someone who has used it for many years, I can attest to the wonders of the flower. I couldn't survive my life currently if it wasn't for my dear friend Mary Jane. It is the only medicine in the world that cures nausea while also helping to promote appetite at the same time, which really comes in handy when you have Endo. It actually makes the brain forget about pain. I don't know how I would sleep at night without my tokes. You can think what you want about addition, but I would much rather have a mild addition to pot than be opioid dependent. Which sadly can happen to a lot of women with Endo due to the chronic pain. I really can't wait until I meet the Dr. who will be willing to help me get my medical license.

so angry with my body

I'm so frustrated with my body right now. I've had a toothache since yesterday, just out of the blue. I didn't eat anything that caused it, and I had to miss work again because it's just to painful. I'm even more angry because I'm still bleeding and having cramps. I started my period 15 days ago, which means yea, I've been bleeding that long. It gets old really fast. It just makes me hate my body so much, and the pain in my right side is the kind that makes me nauseous. I'm so sick of hormonal shit, along with all of this I can feel myself starting to get depressed and angry because of it. I can feel the hormones making me more emotional. It's such fucking bullshit. I just want to feel 'normal' and be able to feel like I am in control of myself and my emotions, I want to know that getting my period isn't going to be a bed sentence and cause me to miss work. I'm so tired of having my period control my life.

^this was started on Wednesday June 15th^

I'm fucking missing work again today. I went in feeling fine and everything and then my pain started and it got so bad I just couldn't take it anymore and had to come home. I can't stop crying, because it makes me so emotional, not to forget the slight comment one of my managers made about me having to leave every time they are working and it's busy. Which is total bullshit. I know I had to come home a few months ago, like in March or April because I had a panic attack. It's so fucking frustrating because people don't understand how much this shit affects my moods and emotions and hormones. I work as hard as I possibly can, and do the best I can. I wouldn't come home unless the pain was as bad as it is, I go to work in pain everyday as it is. I'm just so fucking sick of feeling like I'm locked in a cage, trying to get out, trying to escape my body. I wish I could just make everyone who knows me and thinks I'm faking it or whatever would watch Endo what? so they could get some idea. It infuriates me how little awareness there is about this disease, I feel like a broken record.

I so wish that I could have just one day to know what it feels like to feel 'normal' and pain free. I would love to know what it's like to feel like a 30 year old woman who is healthy. I'm so over this shit, I'm really starting to wonder how much more I can take. Thankfully I've got surgery in Oct, and I'm hopeful with the specialist I found. I know that if I was healthy I could handle life, and really live, so much better. Right now it just feels like I'm faking my way through.

I wonder what specifically is causing this pain in my body? If it's an adhesion on my ovary or my appendix, or if it's bowel related? It's kind of hard to tell because of the location, I just know that it hurts like a motherfucker, it's sharp and deep and sort of feels like something's pulling. I also wonder if the pain is going to keep going, or get worse and I'm worried for tomorrow. I really hope not. I just can't believe how low I feel, it's bad enough having to miss more work this week, but then have someone say something so mean to me. It's uncalled for, especially from a manager. I'm over people judging me because of my pain, or what I can't and should be able to do for a 30 year old. I challenge any of them to live in my body for just a day and I guarantee they would be singing a different tune. Once I get myself taken care of and my health in order I will be making sure there are changes to the system so that god forbid, one of my nieces ends up like me.

I guess this is enough venting for today. I'm going to try and sleep I think.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it is..... I called work this evening, after missing a 3rd day in a row today, to see what time I work tomorrow. I really can't miss another day, and the pain has gone down to a level that is tolerable enough for me to handle for my 9 hour shift tomorrow. What's bothering me is the response I got from my co-worker on the phone. I asked to know when I was working and said something about missing work and not wanting to miss more. They said something about them being big shifts, and then something about, whatever, do what you've got to do. It's not that simple. Not to mention, I was laying in bed after napping with my heating pad on my stomach when I was on the phone. It makes me so crazy that people think I want to be missing this much work. I feel like people think I am lazy, and that's so not the case. It makes me anxious for tomorrow because I have to think about how to explain myself. I can't just say I have my period and it's really bad because I know people will be like 'I work all the time with my period, it's just part of being a woman'. I can try and say I've been having a bad Endo flare up, but no one really knows what that means. I feel like I should get business cards made up with information about endometriosis on it so I can hand them out to people. I need something like that.

^^The above was written on Saturday June 4th 2016^^

I'm going to keep this post going because I want to include my venting from above. My period is almost over, and while the raging, almost euphoric cramps I was having are gone, I'm still having pains and very stiff and tired. Unbelievably tired. I went back to work on Sunday finally and worked Monday too. I had yesterday and today off and work the next 3 days, and then who knows. I'm so tired though that it's stupid, I know it is because I'm just finishing my period though. After all that pain and shit you are bound to get tired. I've just got to say something here, I LOVE my Diva cup! I was so hesitant for so long, and when I got my last period a few months ago I just couldn't take tampons anymore. It's amazing, it is so easy to use, and not as bad to clean as I would have thought. You can shower and bathe too, and the smell is non-existent. I'm just so thrilled that I finally decided to go for it. If you are thinking of getting one and aren't sure, I highly recommend it. The cleaner they sell smells pretty good too and you get a coupon for it when you buy the Diva cup in the box.

Alright.. moving on then. I got a call today for a pain specialist in Toronto, but
I need to get into my Dr so I can see one here. I need to get someone to help me get medical pot. I also need to see an gastro Dr and figure out what's up with my awful IBS. It's so bad with my period, and now that the heat, more  specifically the humidity, coming it will get worse. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm going to finish this entry by saying I'm super excited, for 2 reasons. My favorite TLC tv shows start again tonight, My Big Fat Fabulous Life & I Am Jazz. Both awesome shows, Whitney from the first one is so inspiring to me, she just radiates light and is so positive. She suffers from PCOS, which is also a disease that affects the female reproductive system. Also I'm excited because
I think I came up with a pretty cool idea this morning. With all of my student council, OSSSA and Katimavik experience I've always wanted to use it to help people or do something. I've been trying to think of what I could do for Endo and my sisters... well how about a leadership/awareness conference for Endometriosis? I know it's just a new idea, but I feel like I could plan workshops, have some guest speakers and to bring sisters together would be a powerful thing. Anyway... I'll work on the idea some more and put my feelers out.


Here's a really great interview with the Producer of Endo What (a fantastic documentary that was released this year about Endometriosis)

http://www.inflectionpointradio.org/episodes/2016/6/6/shannon-cohn-the-cost-of-endometriosis

I am in so much pain & it's making me so angry and frustrated. I'm angry because I've already missed 2 days of work, and I'm worried I will have to miss another one. I'm frustrated because there isn't anything I can do to stop my pain really. The only thing I can do is illegal, so there you have that. In case you are wondering, I smoke weed for my pain and it helps give me some relief. It helps with my nausea, helps me eat, helps me sleep and helps me relax a bit with these raging cramps. Though I haven't been able to sleep much today as it's been a really bad day, one of the worst in a long time.

I am starting this blog to help raise awareness among my friends and family and so people can have a better understanding what it's like for me to live with Endometriosis. I need people to be able to understand me, and my sisters who suffer with this devastating illness that is a daily battle. I suppose I should be clear too that I am waiting for a laparoscopic surgery in Oct for an official diagnosis, as this is the only way to diagnose the disease. I am however currently seeing Dr's and trying various forms of 'treatment'. I use this term loosely because the current treatment for Endometriosis is, in my opinion, very lacking. Which is why awareness and education is key. I would also like to add, I am no medical expert, I have no education in the medical field, I do however consider myself an expert on Endometriosis, at least my battle with it. I know my body and am very aware of my symptoms. I have been studying this disease for over a year now and I am forever reading and researching.

I will start out by saying that this disease is a motherfucker (I should also add that I won't be mincing my words, Mum), it is a constant battle with myself to keep going. Literally, physically, emotionally, you name it. It cause chronic fatigue, which is a result of chronic pain. You are constantly saving your energy for your life, and by life I mean your job, your family, your kids, your daily routine, whatever it is you do day to day. Check out the spoon theory: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
That pretty much sums up what it's like to live with this, it's an ongoing battle with one's self. It is my wish that people can start to become aware of this disease and begin to understand what the one in ten women with this go through. I'm not going to go into detail explaining what Endometriosis is right now, I'll provide some links at the end. I'm too tired to write all that out right now. I just wish I could get some relief, I know I could go to the hospital, but I'd rather suffer in the comfort of my own home than sit and suffer with strangers on the off chance that I might get a sympathetic Dr who will actually believe me when
I describe my pain. Another reason this disease is so isolating, you struggle to explain your pain and you feel like others struggle to believe you. It's very hard to live with.

This is it for now, I just need to start writing and putting it out there for people to see if they wish.

http://endometriosisnetwork.com/information/understanding-endometriosis/

http://www.endo-resolved.com/endometriosis_explained.html

http://www.theguardian.com/society/ng-interactive/2015/sep/27/the-pain-is-paralysing-30-women-describe-living-with-endometriosis
This last link is a great article with accounts of real women who suffer with Endometriosis.