So the pain is definitely back in full swing again.. more than enough breakthrough bleeding too still. I've got to go for my tests soon, but the bloodwork is going to have to wait, especially since I just had another episode related to blood again the other night and it really fucked me up. It's more than just fainting and I was out for a while this time. It's so fucking scary too. I'm waiting for my bleeding and pain to go down some before I make an appointment for my pelvic ultrasound because they are rough on a good day. I usually have some soreness after one so I'm waiting for things to hurt a little less before I do it. It's pretty uncomfortable too and I remember bleeding after the last time I went so I will have make sure to bring a pad with me for after.

My pain has been pretty unpredictable right now too. It hasn't been as bad at night which is good, it's ok right now but I can feel it coming back. Yesterday was pretty bad and I couldn't function very well so I'm pretty exhausted today. I hate how tired it makes me, from doing nothing but sitting and waiting for the waves of hell in my guts to be over. I've also been getting a lot more nerve pain and I get this thing in my left leg where if I step a certain way or something it goes all the way to my hip and it feels like my leg is going to give out on me. I swear I have endo on my nerves. I know that it's possible. It's just too much though, I keep thinking the bleeding has stopped, but it just keeps coming back. Literally in the past two months I have spent more time bleeding than not and I'm so fucking over it and not having anything for the pain is hard, but I also know that nothing helps much anyway. 

I sincerely hope that things will be different somehow with Drs when I try and get help. It's literally the definition of insanity, sending me for the same tests over and over again, expecting something to show up that never will. I wish people could understand why we lose hope and faith, after countless times of seeking help while in brutal pain we are made to feel like we don't deserve to be heard or have help. My stories aren't unique either. I will try and have some hope though, and use whatever fight I have left in me.

I know I haven't blogged here in a long time, life has been extremely challenging for me the past few years, never even mind my health. It's been many personal battles and loss of loved ones. I'm trying to get myself to a place where I can get my health better again and get myself on disability so that I can have some sort of security in my life. Not being able to work anymore because of the unpredictability of my pain has made things very difficult for me, and with covid and the state of the medical system it makes me feel even more uneased. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, my posts and understands that this disease is truly hell. Thank you to those that have reached out to me to say thank you for helping educate them and that they wouldn't know what endometriosis is if it wasn't for me. This is why I do this, to help raise awareness, it truly gives me purpose.

I'm so frustrated with my body right now. I'm bleeding again, breakthrough bleeding. I've just got over some of the worst pain I've ever experienced with this. Worse than my last period was. I was bleeding for two weeks.. all through the holidays. I was in so much pain I could barely function and I feel it's coming back again. I have to save my energy for showers and making food to eat. I spoke with my Dr. today and she's sending me for some tests. I'm a little scared to be honest and hoping it's nothing too serious. I know the ramifications of taking the pill continually. I also know that my choices are limited as far as 'treatment' goes for this disease and that you have to pick your battles with what you choose to do. I truly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The hopelessness I feel and depression when I'm in this pain is becoming too much. I can't even afford tampons or pads right now so I'm hoping my pantyliners will be enough. I'm just hoping that I can get the tests done ok without too much anxiety ( bloodwork for me is an ordeal in itself) and hopefully be able to get some sort of help for myself. I'm so tired of being sad from my pain all the time and feeling like I have no hope. Chronic pain truly changes you in the worst way. I miss the old me who knew how to be happy and didn't feel so alone in the world. I'm just so tired of being sick.