@#*$

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so helpless.

I called work today and spoke with my manager and it's something like this, they didn't schedule me because they are unsure what to do because of my missing so much work and not feeling well. I suggested maybe taking a leave until after my surgery if they would do that for me. I would hope to be able to then get unemployment until I can work again, he said he will run it by someone and see what they say. He didn't seem opposed to the idea and was very kind and understanding. I am going to try my luck tomorrow with my Dr. and see if she will write me a note saying I am unable to work. I have my doubts, but I have to try. I don't know what else I can do. The stress of this is really getting to me and I feel so defeated all the time. I feel so broken, I just keep losing to this disease.

I called my specialists office the other day and they are on vacation, so called my Dr.'s today and asked if she had heard from them and she hadn't. I'm disappointed because I am at the mercy of other people's efficiency. The only reason they wouldn't is if my Dr. had everything she needed. If that is the case then I don't know what's going on. I do know that I got a letter from a gastro place and it's a six months waiting. I suppose I will have to call and get on a cancellation list. I tried to call already but they are on vacation too.

I really hope that something good will happen to me tomorrow. I at least found a store I can get henna at, the raw powder.

bullshit at it's finest

I don't even know how to start this. I'm so beyond angry I feel like I might lose it.
I called work today to see when I work next, and apparently I don't work at all this week. So here is something else, more bullshit I have to deal with. Here is more injustice and discrimination because of this motherfucking bullshit disease!
As difficult it is for me to work sometimes, I need to work If I can't work I'm totally fucked. I need to make money. It's not even like I could get disability if I needed to because my disease doesn't really qualify. I feel like I'm totally fucked here.

I'm calling my Dr.'s tomorrow to make sure everything has been sorted out there so I can hopefully get some real help soon. I'm sick of this soreness and I haven't even started my period yet. I slept most of the day, and I probably could have slept it all away. It is so depressing being in pain all the time, sleeping your life away because it's the only relief you have. Going to work gives me that bit of normalcy I need in my life.

What I find especially troubling about all of this is how normal my story is among my Endo sisters. I was warned and give a heads up too, but until you're actually in it, it can be hard to understand. The isolation and hopelessness that comes with this disease and fighting for your ability to live your life. It takes a drastic toll and I wonder often how I will keep going. I wonder how my sister who are mothers do it, I wonder how they find he strength. I wonder how so many women can suffer so horribly and still nothing has changed. How our healthcare systems and medical researchers have failed the women of our world. How we are left to suffer.

Anger isn't even the word

I am so livid right now, it's unbelievable. I've been trying to get my Dr. to send me to the proper specialists and I had my specialists office send her everything and she still won't send me to a pain specialist. All I got was a fucking referral for a GI, which I do need. I just feel like a pain specialist is more important since I already had a referral to one and it was to far away. I have so little faith in the system, I have so little faith left.

This weekend I have to go to my niece's baptism, and not that I don't want to see my family and see my lovely nieces who I love so unbelievably much. I also get to be the Godmother this time. I'm just dreading all of the social activity's that will go along with it. I'm dreading faking it terribly and having to explain why it is so hard to get help for this disease and what little Dr.'s do and know.

I am just so tired of all of this and don't know how much more of this I can take. I will keep fighting as hard as I can and self medicating. At least I have that.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I am so disappointed and let down, I just want to give up.

I went to my Dr. to ask for a referral to a pain specialist, who my other Dr., my OBGYN had referred me to but it was to far away. I also asked for a referral to an Gastro Dr. which she didn't understand why, and wouldn't do for me. Something about needing something from my other Dr.? So I assume there is not mutual communication there, my Dr. had no idea what I was doing or anything. I got frustrated with her because she didn't want to help, I started to cry and said I feel like no one wants to help me., I said I am I pain all of the time and nothing helps me Well, she took it personally, and made it about her. She didn't even want to hear me. She showed me how she has referred me to other Dr.'s and said how she can only do so much as a Dr. herself. THEN SEND ME TO SOMEONE ELSE! I'm so angry with everything, I hardly even have enough energy to take care of myself anymore.
I tried explaining how I can hardly work anymore. I've already been working less and less, and while I need more money I cant responsibly ask for more work because I can barley handle my shifts as it is. I'm so over not being able to do shit, I feel like I'm screaming on the inside. I feel like there is nothing left, I just have to fucking hold on the best I can until my surgery and fucking hope for a miracle. I truly hope to be able to advocate for myself and other women on some real levels one day. I was thinking of anonymously dropping some copies of Endo what? to some Dr.'s offices around here. It makes me so angry that I'm left knowing more about this disease than my Dr.'s. I guess it's how it goes with something like this, it is just so infuriating that I have to educate everyone in my life on my disease and that I feel like I constantly have to explain myself. I know people look at me and think 'what the fuck is wrong with her? I know I'm misunderstood.

I'm so tired of being tired

I'm tired all of the time with this, and it is so frustrating. I'm sick of customers asking me if they are keeping me up, or some other smart ass comment when I yawn at work. It gets really old, really fast. I'm so sick of not knowing what else to do but lie down, because I'm so miserable from my pain and tired of myself. I'm sick of still having pain and spotting and this awful pain I get in my right side that hardly ever seems to goes away. It's like the Lolo sort of works, I get a couple of days of heavy bleeding, but I just keep spotting and hurting after. I'm sick of constantly fighting myself for the energy to tackle my day.

I just want to know what it feels like to feel 'normal'. To have the energy of my peers, to live life.