I've been spotting again the past 4 or 5 days. It's been so painful too. My Mum was telling me that antibiotics can make the pill less effective, so yea. I guess that's part of it? It just hurts so fucking much, it makes me want to hurt people. I wouldn't, but this pain really makes feel like punching someone, or just physically letting someone have it. It's insane, because I have such a weak stomach for gore that it literally makes me faint. This pain just makes me mentally 'off' I guess. It's hard to explain, but it just brings anger and fire with it, maybe because it feels like someone is lighting a fire inside me and stabbing random spots depending on whatever way I happen to move, and oh the stabbing pains up the sides of my vagina that randomly come and go. It's relentless and I could go on and on about what hurts.
I'm happy to say I finally called my Dr. and have an appointment the beginning of next month. I'm looking forward to it, she seems like a kind lady and genuinely seems to like me which feels nice. She seems very down to earth and understanding too, which is refreshing, since my last Dr. was honestly just horrible. I just hope I'm right about my new Dr., that she can help me, and that she wants to help me. I've just got to keep fighting and remember that that's what I'm going to have to keep doing for myself.
I haven't been sleeping great either and this pain is just so exhausting. I'm feel 10 times more tired than usual, and usually I'm tired all the time. It's 'normal' though, well my 'normal' anyway. I'm not complaining about usually being tired, because I can deal with that fatigue, but this fatigue is just awful. I feel like I'm in a daze. I just want to sleep because the pain wears me out so much. I'm having bad stomach pains of all sorts today and I feel like complete shit. I've been having a lot of leg soreness, which is usual with this type of pain, but it's just more tiring.. anyway enough about me being tired and sore, it's just fucking bad and has me in a bit of a mood. I guess I should note to that I started this post a few days ago and just finished it today, but I've been feeling consistently shitty so it all rings true.
I guess this is all for now, I found a bunch of great awareness positive pics and endo sister shared the other day, I'm going to try and put some in my blogs because I think it helps.
I am FUCKING spotting AGAIN today?! This time I didn't miss my pill, I've checked like 3 times. I guess this is my body's way of telling me that I should have a period, but I just can't bare it right now, especially for work on Wednesday. Maybe after that? I just don't want to have to deal with the emotional stress, physical pain, insane and grueling fatigue (I'm already tired enough) and fucking bullshit it brings me. I'm pretty sure it's not related to the UTI I have because it was like period blood, there was even a clot. It was too red and thick I think to be from my urine. I'm just so over this.. I feel like such crap already. I have to go to Sunnybrook in the morning to see a urogynecologist, which I've never really heard of but really hope it's worth. I did a little research and read something about how they can help with painful sex, so here's hoping that means painful orgasms too. I just want someone to seem like the really want to help me. I've yet really feel that from some of these specialists. I've got to get back in to see my gp too and let her know that the gastro Dr. didn't want to do a colonoscopy because he just thinks its ibs because of my fibromyalgia. Just more stuff I need to get done, it's just so tiring having to fight so hard for your health and feel like you are being listened to and taken care of. I'm staying as positive as possible for tomorrow and hoping some good can come of it.
I missed my birth control pill on Tuesday night, as I have been on continual bc since my surgery last year and have only taken a few breaks for periods. Well I've been spotting on and off since missing my pill and have been having fucking brutal cramps. So bad that I'm 1000% sure my endo is back. It's been a long while since I've felt this excruciating pain inside. It's like knives stabbing, with hot pokers and someone pulling on your insides all at once. I hate this bullshit disease so fucking much. I know I should probably break for a period too, but it's just not something I want to deal with in my life right now, and doubt I could handle it well at all right now. I can't afford to be an emotional mess right now. It's just not in the cards, this pain is bad enough. A part of me feels bad about it too, for forgetting how painful it can be.. how could I ever forget. Even just putting a small tampon in hurt like hell. I had to because the spotting/bleeding is that bad. It's just a nightmare. I'm doing my best to do my aromatherapy to help and taking ibuprofen accordingly. I just hope it ends soon, especially by Wednesday for when I work. This pain has a way of putting me in a terrible mood, so bad that I struggle to like myself sometimes. This disease makes me angry, the lack of awareness, the lack of 'treatment', the lack of specialists and just the fact that it affects 1 in 10 women, and yet the health care system is so lax in properly treating these women. We are pinned as fakers, or dismissed because there is no way to see the cause of the pain without proper surgery. It doesn't show up on a ct scan or ultrasound. We are pinned as drug seekers because of this. I am one in ten Women with this condition.
