Wow, am I glad I got my shift covered yesterday when I was at work. I really didn't want to have to call in this morning and the pain was bad enough yesterday that I should have called in. Somehow I made it through, by popping extra strength Advil like mints. I really hate that, its mostly just psychological. I'm going to see my Dr. in a couple of weeks to ask for some referrals... finally. I know I need to stay on top of shit and be my own advocate, but it gets tiring, and I'm a procrastinator.
My hips are so unbelievably sore today, it's hard to explain. The pain is just so insane.
*continuing this 2 days later.. my hips are still just as sore, if not more. I have to work tomorrow night and I'm just dreading it, but I can't afford to miss it. I already gave up Sunday. I've started my period at least, I'm so glad I've got my Diva cup. This explains it all:
I slept until 4 yesterday. I couldn't believe it, but that's how tired this makes me. I feel like I could take a nap now. I can feel everything inside me throbbing and pulsing and it's gross and painful. Only 3 months left until surgery.
...another 2 days later, maybe I'll actually finish my thoughts here with this post. I made it through 4 hours of work last night, I don't even know how. It was pretty painful and tiring. Luckily it wasn't to busy because of the storm. I'm just so tired of being so tired all the time. I wish I could be physically active without the fear of my body hurting for days afterwards. I am so sore today too, I just want to go back to bed. I have to say one good thing has been since I've started this Lolo, my period has actually been shorter. I'm amazed that it has worked. I still have a lot of spotting after, but it's nothing compared to my period. This has helped me keep my faith and been a blessing. Anything to make anything easier for me is amazing. I still get the pain and everything, but my heaviness I get in my stomach doesn't seem to last as long, I think? I don't really know, but I just know that I love having a shorter period. It's a fucking miracle for me.
I suppose I should finish up these thoughts. I just needed to get some stuff out, and I know there is more but this is it for now.
I've got a lot to get out right now, it's very personal, but it needs to be exposed. People need to be aware of how this disease can take so much away from someone's life. Not just my social life or my ability to so anything really physically tiring. Not just my friendships that have suffered or my art, which is another story all together. My sexual identity, my ability to own and express my most primal and basic instincts as a woman, as a human.
My heart breaks when I begin to think about this because I don't even know who I am sexually anymore.
I will explain, I can't even remember the last time I had an orgasm, or I wasn't afraid to have one. Yes afraid because as soon as I reach that point of pleasure, all hell breaks loose and my stomach and insides betray me and start to contract like nothing I've felt before. It has brought me to tears before. It is some of the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. I even hurt when I start to get excited, the physical thought of sexual activity makes my body hurt. My body reacts in pain. It is one of the most depressing things I have ever had to deal with. It makes me so sad because I've completely lost my sexual identity. I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be. It's bad enough that this disease has taken so much from me, but this has been the hardest struggle for me and what makes it even harder is the taboo of the subject matter. It is difficult for me as a woman to feel comfortable talking about this, but I've chose to speak out and end my silence. I hope that I can create some awareness so we don't have to suffer in silence anymore. If this was a man writhing this, I know people would be paying attention, just look at Viagra. It makes me crazy that I have to live with this, and it makes me crazy how unaware people are of this suffering women with Endometriosis live with day to day. It is hard having something that affects your body and mind, and the relationship between the two so profoundly.
I truly can't wait for my surgery and hope with everything I have that I no longer have this pain afterwards. I don't know what I will do if it doesn't change. I need this part of my life back, I need to feel empowered by my femininity again.
