Just trying my best

I'm so frustrated, still having a fair of pain in all different areas of my pelvic region. I thought for sure it would have eased up by now and I can't help but think the endo must be coming back? I'm still not entirely sure they got it all the first time, but who knows. It's such a complicated disease. I just know that I don't want to have me period yet so I'm taking another 3 weeks of the pill and then I'll deal with that demon, I'm just in too much pain as it is right now. It makes it almost impossible to be in a good mood. The pain is so deep that it just fills me with rage. My right shoulder is bugging me again too and work's tomorrow. I can't help but feel like the endo must be back in full swing because I'm feeling pain I haven't in a while and it feels like every time I have a flare-up the pain keeps getting worse. I'm going to have to see a different specialist this time though I think, there is one who seems to be a little closer. It's a man but I don't really care anymore who the Doctor is as long as they are willing to really listen to me and help me. I'm just so tired of feeling so helpless and I know I need to fight harder for myself. I also know I'm tired of this pain already and I'm not even spotting anymore.

A friend tagged me in a post tonight about someone doing interviews with people who suffer from endometriosis so I contacted them and they said they will pass the information on to their cousin (that's who is doing the interviews). The person is apparently writing a book. I really hope I get to share my story. I'm really excited about this opportunity.

Just so tired and angry...

I'm so frustrated with people lately... When I was leaving work I had a co-worker say to me how it must be nice to be going home when I was and work so little (or something akin to that), following up with how they should maybe do that, then they'd be less stressed. I just replied with, "you'd still be stressed out, just in a different way". It was so infuriating, I just muttered "fucking bitch" under my breath and walked out of there as fast as I could. People can be so ignorant and it just makes me so angry. I feel so ashamed of myself on so many levels because of how much my pain limits me. I've been having flare ups too this week and even fucking spotting too. It's probably from all the stress, and believe me I don't say that lightly. I don't want to go into detail but it's been a fucking brutal summer and these past 2 weeks have been a killer. My whole body hurts, pulled muscles, fibromyalgia in full swing and bloated looking 6 months pregnant. I've got to start tracking and documenting my belly, like regular tummy VS bloated. Now that I have Ryan's old phone I can use it for quick pics. Maybe I'll try and do it at the same time every day, set an alarm or something and see if I can see differences. I guess it's time for another period then soon... That will be super fun 👍

I'm just so fed up with feeling so hopeless, I'm probably going to have to have surgery again and the idea of that is so depressing to me, it took me a long time to recover from my last one and the painkillers they had me on after made me an emotional wreck.. Or maybe it was the
anesthetic that did it to me. Whatever it was I don't want to feel like that ever again it was horrible. I just wish there was a cure for this shit. It makes me so angry when I start to think about everything this disease has taken from me and it's hard not to let it define with all the limitations it causes. Venting this out does help a bit too and knowing that my efforts to raise awareness will hopefully help others with maybe early detection or help a loved one identify the cause of their pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, like for real.

I'm trying my best to stay positive and not let it get me down but it can be hard when you try so hard and still don't feel quite good enough. When your body seems to betray you with every move and effort you make. It's a mental battle that is never ending and excruciatingly exhausting. I wish I could take a vacation from my body. It's just all so isolating and lonely sometimes. I guess this is all for now, but I'm actually going to post this entry.. I've done it a few times now where I write a bunch and don't end up posting it. I need to get it out though, even if no one reads it. It's a purge.

I want to do bad things

I've been spotting again the past 4 or 5 days. It's been so painful too. My Mum was telling me that antibiotics can make the pill less effective, so yea. I guess that's part of it? It just hurts so fucking much, it makes me want to hurt people. I wouldn't, but this pain really makes feel like punching someone, or just physically letting someone have it. It's insane, because I have such a weak stomach for gore that it literally makes me faint. This pain just makes me mentally 'off' I guess. It's hard to explain, but it just brings anger and fire with it, maybe because it feels like someone is lighting a fire inside me and stabbing random spots depending on whatever way I happen to move, and oh the stabbing pains up the sides of my vagina that randomly come and go. It's relentless and I could go on and on about what hurts.

I'm happy to say I finally called my Dr. and have an appointment the beginning of next month. I'm looking forward to it, she seems like a kind lady and genuinely seems to like me which feels nice. She seems very down to earth and understanding too, which is refreshing, since my last Dr. was honestly just horrible. I just hope I'm right about my new Dr., that she can help me, and that she wants to help me. I've just got to keep fighting and remember that that's what I'm going to have to keep doing for myself.

I haven't been sleeping great either and this pain is just so exhausting. I'm feel 10 times more tired than usual, and usually I'm tired all the time. It's 'normal' though, well my 'normal' anyway. I'm not complaining about usually being tired, because I can deal with that fatigue, but this fatigue is just awful. I feel like I'm in a daze. I just want to sleep because the pain wears me out so much. I'm having bad stomach pains of all sorts today and I feel like complete shit. I've been having a lot of leg soreness, which is usual with this type of pain, but it's just more tiring.. anyway enough about me being tired and sore, it's just fucking bad and has me in a bit of a mood. I guess I should note to that I started this post a few days ago and just finished it today, but I've been feeling consistently shitty so it all rings true. 

I guess this is all for now, I found a bunch of great awareness positive pics and endo sister shared the other day, I'm going to try and put some in my blogs because I think it helps. 

Another day of it

I am FUCKING spotting AGAIN today?! This time I didn't miss my pill, I've checked like 3 times. I guess this is my body's way of telling me that I should have a period, but I just can't bare it right now, especially for work on Wednesday. Maybe after that? I just don't want to have to deal with the emotional stress, physical pain, insane and grueling fatigue (I'm already tired enough) and fucking bullshit it brings me. I'm pretty sure it's not related to the UTI I have because it was like period blood, there was even a clot. It was too red and thick I think to be from my urine. I'm just so over this.. I feel like such crap already. I have to go to Sunnybrook in the morning to see a urogynecologist, which I've never really heard of but really hope it's worth. I did a little research and read something about how they can help with painful sex, so here's hoping that means painful orgasms too. I just want someone to seem like the really want to help me. I've yet really feel that from some of these specialists. I've got to get back in to see my gp too and let her know that the gastro Dr. didn't want to do a colonoscopy because he just thinks its ibs because of my fibromyalgia. Just more stuff I need to get done, it's just so tiring having to fight so hard for your health and feel like you are being listened to and taken care of. I'm staying as positive as possible for tomorrow and hoping some good can come of it.

a painful reminder

I missed my birth control pill on Tuesday night, as I have been on continual bc since my surgery last year and have only taken a few breaks for periods. Well I've been spotting on and off since missing my pill and have been having fucking brutal cramps. So bad that I'm 1000% sure my endo is back. It's been a long while since I've felt this excruciating pain inside. It's like knives stabbing, with hot pokers and someone pulling on your insides all at once. I hate this bullshit disease so fucking much. I know I should probably break for a period too, but it's just not something I want to deal with in my life right now, and doubt I could handle it well at all right now. I can't afford to be an emotional mess right now. It's just not in the cards, this pain is bad enough. A part of me feels bad about it too, for forgetting how painful it can be.. how could I ever forget. Even just putting a small tampon in hurt like hell. I had to because the spotting/bleeding is that bad. It's just a nightmare. I'm doing my best to do my aromatherapy to help and taking ibuprofen accordingly. I just hope it ends soon, especially by Wednesday for when I work. This pain has a way of putting me in a terrible mood, so bad that I struggle to like myself sometimes. This disease makes me angry, the lack of awareness, the lack of 'treatment', the lack of specialists and just the fact that it affects 1 in 10 women, and yet the health care system is so lax in properly treating these women. We are pinned as fakers, or dismissed because there is no way to see the cause of the pain without proper surgery. It doesn't show up on a ct scan or ultrasound. We are pinned as drug seekers because of this. I am one in ten Women with this condition.