Better things

I've been doing a lot more art lately. Drawing lots of twirly, twisty trees and playing around with my watercolour pencil crayons. It's been good, and I finally feel like I'm on a roll for the first time in a while creatively. I also had a meet and greet Dr.s appointment today and it went really well. She seems really nice, kind and understanding. Very thorough too. I'm pleased. I have a consultation tomorrow too to see a gastro Dr. about a colonoscopy. She said if I have to wait to long though to let her know and she will send me elsewhere to a more efficient Dr.

I've also got to work tomorrow afternoon, so I hope I can get through it all in good spirits. Just stay positive and keep smiling. Speaking of work it turns out one of the new ladies who happens to live only 2 doors over from me, also has endometriosis. It's crazy, and she's really nice. I feel lucky and hope we can be friends, it's nice to meet someone who gets it.

I ended up henna-ing my hair again, the roots were looking pretty bad, so it's nice and bright and red and shiny again. It makes me feel good too, and the cinnamon smells so good. It's the small things that help the most.

So tired

I'm supposed to be asleep right now... I have to work tomorrow afternoon. I'm in so much pain though that it's actually making it hard for me to sleep. My right hip is really sore and it's so frustrating. My left shoulder hurts too. I'm just disappointed with myself and my body. I smoked some and took an Advil so hopefully I can get some sleep. I hate this so much.

The after pain

So I was feeling really good about making my shift yesterday and do as well as I did. I was trying to stand more than usual to keep myself from getting too comfortable. I thought it was good until I woke up with a charlie horse in my right calf, that my moaning in pain woke Ryan up.

So I started this yesterday and didn't finish my thoughts. I'm still pretty sore today and tired, I'm so frustrated with how just a few hours of working can leave me so tired and sore. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I just hope I can find a Dr. soon and get some more help. The Dr. and the pain clinic I go to whom I skype with is really nice and kind, it helps me have faith that I can find someone who will be willing to help me too. I'm just hoping it isn't too far for me to get to. I just want to get better so badly, just be able to feel better about myself so I can start to live again. Even if it's just to be able to do things at home and be creative on some level is good enough for me. I don't need much to be happy. Not that I'm unhappy either, just unsatisfied with my situation financially and in feeling secure like I can take care of myself. It will get better though. In the meantime I'm binge watching Friends on Netflix, some good feel good TV. It's been a few years for sure.

keeping my head up

It was a miracle that I made it, but I feel better for it. I can't describe how utterly depressing it is to not even be able to function on such a basic level. It's just like being in a plastic bubble sort of, only you don't look ill. Anyway, I've been downloading a bunch of music that I love, from Gaga to Floyd and everything else in between. Music from my youth that makes me feel like I'm in a warm pool, safe and relaxed. Music that makes me feel empowered and strong. I've always got so much confidence from music and how it transcends space and time and can make you feel a certain way. It's so powerful, I only wish I was more musically inclined and that I could sing because of how much I love to. Ahh well at least I can be creative in other ways, which brings me to my soul crushing dilemma. Maybe soul crushing sounds a bit too drastic, but it's the best way I can describe it in order to convey how deeply I feel it.

What I'm specifically talking about is how much my illness and pain and everything affects my ability to be my best artist self I can be. I haven't done a decent painting in a couple of years. I miss being able to get messy and paint the way I love to. I miss so much I don't even know where to begin. The other thing is the older I get the more I want to try other means of creating and I fear I'm not going to get those chances. I know I am capable of making some amazing things. I hate feeling creatively trapped within myself, I wish there was some way for me to get it out, I just want to throw paint everywhere. I have to make some art for my youngest niece as I gave her sister 2 paintings and she has none yet. I've got some ideas for some name art for the both of them at least. It has to be something special though. I just have too many ideas sometimes too and I think that's part of the problem. I need to try and organize them... I also need to organize my craft/art supplies like mad. They are such a mess. I'll be like oh yeah, I had that for this idea and this for that. I feel better already after just getting some of this out into the world. I've got to start taking some pictures again soon, maybe go for some city/ nature walks soon and even stop by the garden center at work. I love taking pictures, it's been too long.

I think this is all for now. I hate trying to end with something that sounds intelligent so yea... Yes I try my best to sound intelligent and educated. I know my writing has some major flaws though.

A plea to my body

Please let me have the strength and grace to make it though today. Please let me be strong enough to fake it for 5 hours. Please let my body cooperate with me. Please let me not sweat like crazy before I even get to where I need to be. Please just let me be as 'normal' as possible for today. Please.

crazy stuff

Saturday was interesting, as I had to go to the clinic to get a refill on my Paxil since I still haven't found a family physician. I ended up of all the chances seeing my old Dr., Dr. Sivaharan, who is just an evil, awful woman. I ended up confronting her about her claim that I was verbally abusive to her and her reaction was null. She had nothing to say for herself and really what could she say because she knows she's so wrong. I told her she's made it very hard for me to find a Dr. and because of what she said a very kind one didn't take me on. I asked her why is she even a Dr. if she doesn't want the help people and I told her that she has no compassion. It's such a joke, I don't even know what to say but she is just pure evil with no compassion or remorse. I have a really hard time understanding people like that. It just reminds me though that I have a tough fight ahead of me and that I need to keep pushing. I'm going to try health care connect and maybe I'll get somewhere and then I can hopefully look into O.D.S.P. because I need to be able to financially support myself as work is just becoming impossible. It's pretty fucked up since I was basically told no to come in when I'm in pain which is always so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm just trying my best to take it a day at a time and stay strong. I just downloaded some female artists that give me strength and feed my soul. I need to keep doing the little things I do for myself and remember how awesome I really am and that I deserve help.

My body is really sore too from having to just walk home from the clinic on Saturday. Luckily it was nice out, but I seriously can't believe how much my body hurts from the walk. I don't even know how to explain how bad it is, it is just so discouraging. I just can't believe how much worse my pain seems to have become. I feel like an old woman, I really am not looking foward to getting much older.

I'm so frustrated with how tired I am all of the time as well, and I know it's nearly impossible to understand. I struggle myself trying to wrap my head around how a simple outing with very little walking can leave me so exhausted. Ughhh, I'm just so sick of myself.
I've got to do something to raise more awareness, seriously start composing some letters.

Finding some peace

I've missed my pill for 2 days now, taking a lighter hormone and already I want to murder someone. The pain is so insane. It's crazy how much I don't miss this shit and how bad it is and how you forget that. Still though, I refuse to let it ruin my weekend, as I'm going to visit my Mum for a couple days. My sister is in Cuba this week with her bestie and my Mum was going to come and see me so I thought I'd ask to come home for a wee visit instead. I'm looking forward to it, it's always nice to go home, and it'll be good it have some girl time with my Mum. She's going to give me a much needed hair cut too.

A little break will do me good. The sunny days are helping too. I got myself an essential oil diffuser locket necklace, which I've wanted for a long time now. I can't wait for it to arrive. It will be good for me, I'll use lavender a lot I know as it's the most soothing to me. Maybe mix some lavender and orange too, or patchouli. It will be fun and good for me.

So, I went to my home and had a really nice time. I love how quiet it is there, it's so peaceful. My Mum cut my hair for me and it looks and feels so great. She's really good at it. I got to have a nice visit with my dear longtime friend Mj. It was so lovely to see her and catch up. I'm truly grateful for our friendship as we have known each other since we were children, though we are a few years apart, and didn't hang out for a good time and then re-connected as teenagers . It makes me happy that we are still friends after knowing each other for so long, I don't have many friends like that. I also went to dinner with my Mum at her friends house for a lovely meal. It was so nice and she had such a lovely home. It was a good time all around and nice to have some one on one time with my Mum. Trying to stay positive. 

I just wanna feel good

I'm having the worst time right now, I feel so helpless. I'm so fucking tired of not being able to take care of myself, I feel so pathetic. I've got no where trying to get help finding a Dr. close to home. It's like no one has any empathy anymore. I don't even know. I just feel so defeated and helpless. I'm seriously wondering how much more I can take. It's like some cosmic joke, the universe just keeps throwing shit at me. I'm only going to keep fighting though, and the harder it gets, the more fired up I get. I've got to get creative in getting help. It's just unbelievable how far I've slipped through the cracks. This system is a joke, especially when you are a woman. I've got to start writing letters to help raise awareness, to anyone who will listen, everyone. I know I have the skills to make something happen, and I know I can write intelligently. I just need to do some research, more than I've already done. I just wish there were more resources available to me. The lack of help for women with endometriosis is un acceptable. It's so hard to live with this, and there needs to be MUCH more for those of us in need. I just hope that things can start to change and that I can find a good Dr. who really wants to help me and that I can start to feel able to support myself. I'm so tired of not feeling secure and able to take care of myself.

I started this a while ago now and I'm still feeling just as down and frustrated. I've been so mistreated it's a joke. I'm going to have to stop procrastinating and get on it. It's just that I have so little faith. I know what I have to do, or at least try. It's getting to the point that I can't even keep my employer happy anymore and I'm scared I'm going to lose my job. If that happens I don't even know what I'm going to do. I feel so helpless and pathetic, I loathe it. It's such a vicious cycle of emotions to be stuck in. I feel like I don't even know who I am besides just a sick person anymore. I just want to be able to take care of myself. It's like I'm stuck in a hole trying to claw my way out. I just want to give up sometimes. I don't know what I would if it wasn't for my family and friends. I'm so lucky to have the support I get from them, as I know not everyone does either. I just wish I could financially support myself and not feel like such a burden, the guilt that this gives me is just killing me.

So many emotions

I feel like I'm going to have to get really personal, in order to get everything out. It's been a hard week, emotionally. I read about another Endo sister leaving our world this week. The third or fourth this year it feels like. It makes me so unbelievably sad, my heart just brakes. I can't help but think, that could be me. I could be that woman, who tries and fights so hard and does everything she can to keep her head above water and survive. I know how desperate, isolated and lonely Endo can make you feel.

I'm frustrated more than usual lately, I know it's partially sexually related. Yes I'm going there. See after surgery things have been better in the sense that I don't have killer pains like I used to after an orgasm, but I have been having some pain still. That's not even the problem really though. the problem is that my pelvic muscles are all screwed up from all of those painful., contracting orgasms (I'm pretty sure that's what caused it) and things don't work properly. I've been trying to do kegels and whatnot but it's difficult as my pelvis is in really bad shape. I got myself some ben-wah balls last week, they are glass so they are nice and smooth and easy to use. They seem to be working ok, I've been using then every couple of days. I want to do it more, but you have to work your way up. I've since learned about Yoni eggs too, and would like to get one of those, maybe green aventurite like my earrings. It's such a pretty stone. I need to be able to get my sexual health back, it's very important to me and my sanity. It's so depressing. I'm going to hopefully go and see Dr. Kroft again soon, I've still been spotting a bit and I need to see her. I need to touch base about my health and see what she thinks about my spotting and whatnot. I'm still having a lot of pain in my right side too, to comes and goes when it wants to, but when it's bad, it's bad. It's like a hot poker pushing inside me, it's really bad right now. When I woke up with Ryan this morning to get him ready for work my hips and legs were so sore, and still are. I feel like I ran a marathon or something, though I did nothing. It's like sciatic pain on both sides (I usually have it on my right side. sometimes my left, but never both) my lower back, my right hip, I'm just in agony. I really am. I'm glad it's the weekend so I have my rock here with me to keep me going. It's going to take some getting used to for me now that Ryan is working, as happy for him as I am. I just never realized how much I need him, more than ever. He always knows what to say to me when I'm getting stressed out or having a bad day. I also never realized how much we (or at least I) love spending time together. I don't know that many couples that spend as much time as we do together sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He's my best friend. I can't imagine life without him.
I called Dr. Krofts's office today and left a message. I assume I will get a call back on Monday. I hope I don't have to wait too long for an appointment.

It's Monday night and I still haven't posted this entry. I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. Kroft's office, I might call tomorrow. I've still been having bad pain on and off in my side, it's not to bad at the moment but it was bad this morning I had a good weekend with Ryan and today he only worked the afternoon because it was so cold this morning. I had a busy-ish morning doing a bit of running around. Slept this afternoon. I got myself some nice black and flowered leggings for 5$ and Joe and some nice joggers too. They were 15$ on sale but were scanning at regular price so I asked for the scanning code of practice and got them for 5$ as well. It was so awesome, I was on a high for sure. I love getting a great deal, and I can always use more comfy clothes. Things are going well, but I still have lots to do. It never ends. Thankfully I got my taxes done when I did too.

the worst part

It's moments like this that I get really sad and depressed and down on myself. I had to call into work today, the one shift I have a week, because I'm in too much pain and I can't sleep much. It's so hard not to hate myself, I can't help but cry. I took 2 extra strength ibproufin a couple of hours ago, so I took a gravol and I'm going to take a Tylenol one. I don't like to take them because of the caffeine as it makes me cramps worse, but I need some relief. It's my left shoulder, it been bugging me on and off for a while now and it feels almost like a pinched nerve or maybe muscle tension. Whatever it is, it hurts like a bitch, I'm going to stop typing for now actually...

I managed to go back to bed finally around noon and slept for the afternoon. My schedule is all messed up, even more than usual. At least I managed to get some more sleep, that's the main thing. I just hope that I can get things in order and things will get better.

2 weeks of this sh*t

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still spotting. I went to the clinic on Friday and the Doctor wasn't really very helpful, just did a routine pregnancy test, which I knew would be negative. He said if it's still happening in 48 hours then to go for an ultrasound. So it looks like I'm going to have to do that. It's such a fucking joke, I'm so sick of it, it makes me so angry. I'm starting to really have a hard time with my body, I'm really starting to hate it. I can't help but just feel more and more frustrated with it because of how many things I can't do anymore, and it's so depressing. If I could only get a fucking family Doctor so that I could at least apply for ODSP and see what happens. I can't wait for things to just be different, I've really had enough of this shit. I only want to be able to take care of myself, and I know I sound like a broken record, but it's something you take for granted until you can't do in anymore. The things that tire me out make me feel like the laziest person ever.

Changing my thoughts here,.. trying to get positive. I have my appointment with the cannabis clinic tomorrow. I'm super excited, a bit anxious and nervous. I just really hope all goes well and that I can get approved and the process started. It will be sooo good to have access to medical grade marihuana. I should try and get to bed soon, try and relax a bit more.

so not fun

My stupid, stupid body just keeps giving me more problems. I have been bleeding/ spotting for over a week now and pervious to this starting I had a period only 2 weeks before, and I'm on the pill right now. I've been on it continually since after my surgery. I don't understand this at all, I know spotting is normal with endometriosis but it's luckily something I've never had to get used to. I may go to the clinic tomorrow just to see if I should be concerned. It's probably from all of the stress of trying to deal with that fucking place to get a family Dr., but that's another story. I don't even want to get into it, I'm trying to stay positive and I don't want it to ruin my night.

I'm feeling very lucky though. For all of the people I have in my life that love me and are here for me, I can't imagine doing this any other way. I am so lucky to have Ryan too, he took such good care of me after my surgery and always does. He has really taken the time to try and understand my health problems the best he can, and I am so thankful for that. He's the best, and for putting up with all of my craziness too, especially after my surgery. I went a bit loopy from all the drugs they had me on. I don't do well with chemicals, hence the use of marihuana. Thankfully I have an appointment with an Cannabis Clinic very soon. I can't even tell you how long I have waited for this, and I'm just hoping everything goes well for me and I can get my cannabis card. I need it so much. I really believe and know the healing power of it, and it just makes sense to me. I know it is still controversial but I understand the side affects of it a lot better than most medication out there.

I'm really hoping I can get a family Doctor soon so I can get the help I need. I'm really freaked out about this spotting but I'm telling myself it's because I'm so stressed and fired up about this whole thing with trying to get a Doctor. It's completely fucked up, for lack of a better term. I just need to get my body working well enough so I can take care of myself. It is getting frustrating not being able to take care of myself like I want to, I don't even have the energy to have a bath tonight. It's a difficult thing to explain. I at least made myself henna my hair last weekend and it was so worth it. It always makes me feel better and my hair smells so nice after.

Post surgery post

So, It's clearly been a while since I had my surgery. I don't know exactly why I've taken so long to post this. Soooo much has happened. With work and my health care and everything just seems to be giving me more and more trouble.I guess I should begin by saying that surgery went well, I had endometriosis on my bladder, cervix and pelvic wall, and they also removed a cyst from my right fallopian tube. I can't even begin to explain how good it feels to know I was right, I feel so vindicated! The recovery was a trip though, I didn't do to well with all the painkillers and crap they had me on, but I made it and healed well, without infection or anything. I am very proud of myself for fighting to get the right help, and believing in myself. I am still healing though and things are taking time to get back to normal. It sure is nice though to be able to have an orgasm again though without having terrible pain and muscle spasms after, to be able to get excited again without experiencing stabbing pains. I still need to find a new family Dr. though so I can get some treatment for my fibromyalgia and hopefully get my some relief. While it has been good to be back at work it has been really physically hard.

My goal for this year was to get myself better and have my surgery. For this next year I want to fight to raise as much awareness as I can about Endometriosis because I don't want anymore women to have to go through I did. The sad thing that there are, and there are many that are much worse than I was and that breaks my heart. The stories I read would make so many cringe. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

The more and more hurdles I have to jump I'm starting to feel like my story needs to be told, I don't like to broadcast on social media but I can't tell you how much I just want to let it all out. I literally had to call the Ontario Human Rights Association to fucking be able to use a stool for work and basically save my now pathetic job. I am constantly getting told hit at work too, I was told not to drink while serving customers this week. Really? Is it so offensive that I need to take a drink because I'm talking to people and my mouth gets dry, not to mention I have a cold right now, which is what I said. I am just so fed up with people and everything, I just want to be able to get ahead. I just want people to treat me with respect, I don't like being the only cashier on a stool, I don't like being singled out believe me. I've had enough of that in my lifetime. Then there is me trying to get a new family Dr. and that's been even more of a joke. I don't even know if I can delve into it right now because it's still fresh and so infuriating. I will prevail though, I know my rights and if someone wants to mess with me they don't know who they are dealing with. I am a strong an intelligent woman who single handedly at 17? pulled off one of the best corporate table /sponsorship in the Ontario Secondary School Student's Association history. I had some good companies. like friggen Bell. I did Sevec when I was 13? and Katimavik when I was 18, I am a powerhouse who can wield a strong sword. I will prevail. On a positive note I got a referral to a medical marihuana clinic in Whitby after I can't even tell you how long of waiting. Fucking awesome, I deserve this.