So the pain is definitely back in full swing again.. more than enough breakthrough bleeding too still. I've got to go for my tests soon, but the bloodwork is going to have to wait, especially since I just had another episode related to blood again the other night and it really fucked me up. It's more than just fainting and I was out for a while this time. It's so fucking scary too. I'm waiting for my bleeding and pain to go down some before I make an appointment for my pelvic ultrasound because they are rough on a good day. I usually have some soreness after one so I'm waiting for things to hurt a little less before I do it. It's pretty uncomfortable too and I remember bleeding after the last time I went so I will have make sure to bring a pad with me for after.

My pain has been pretty unpredictable right now too. It hasn't been as bad at night which is good, it's ok right now but I can feel it coming back. Yesterday was pretty bad and I couldn't function very well so I'm pretty exhausted today. I hate how tired it makes me, from doing nothing but sitting and waiting for the waves of hell in my guts to be over. I've also been getting a lot more nerve pain and I get this thing in my left leg where if I step a certain way or something it goes all the way to my hip and it feels like my leg is going to give out on me. I swear I have endo on my nerves. I know that it's possible. It's just too much though, I keep thinking the bleeding has stopped, but it just keeps coming back. Literally in the past two months I have spent more time bleeding than not and I'm so fucking over it and not having anything for the pain is hard, but I also know that nothing helps much anyway. 

I sincerely hope that things will be different somehow with Drs when I try and get help. It's literally the definition of insanity, sending me for the same tests over and over again, expecting something to show up that never will. I wish people could understand why we lose hope and faith, after countless times of seeking help while in brutal pain we are made to feel like we don't deserve to be heard or have help. My stories aren't unique either. I will try and have some hope though, and use whatever fight I have left in me.

I know I haven't blogged here in a long time, life has been extremely challenging for me the past few years, never even mind my health. It's been many personal battles and loss of loved ones. I'm trying to get myself to a place where I can get my health better again and get myself on disability so that I can have some sort of security in my life. Not being able to work anymore because of the unpredictability of my pain has made things very difficult for me, and with covid and the state of the medical system it makes me feel even more uneased. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, my posts and understands that this disease is truly hell. Thank you to those that have reached out to me to say thank you for helping educate them and that they wouldn't know what endometriosis is if it wasn't for me. This is why I do this, to help raise awareness, it truly gives me purpose.

I'm so frustrated with my body right now. I'm bleeding again, breakthrough bleeding. I've just got over some of the worst pain I've ever experienced with this. Worse than my last period was. I was bleeding for two weeks.. all through the holidays. I was in so much pain I could barely function and I feel it's coming back again. I have to save my energy for showers and making food to eat. I spoke with my Dr. today and she's sending me for some tests. I'm a little scared to be honest and hoping it's nothing too serious. I know the ramifications of taking the pill continually. I also know that my choices are limited as far as 'treatment' goes for this disease and that you have to pick your battles with what you choose to do. I truly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The hopelessness I feel and depression when I'm in this pain is becoming too much. I can't even afford tampons or pads right now so I'm hoping my pantyliners will be enough. I'm just hoping that I can get the tests done ok without too much anxiety ( bloodwork for me is an ordeal in itself) and hopefully be able to get some sort of help for myself. I'm so tired of being sad from my pain all the time and feeling like I have no hope. Chronic pain truly changes you in the worst way. I miss the old me who knew how to be happy and didn't feel so alone in the world. I'm just so tired of being sick.

I need to rant

My fucking body is bullshit. I know I shouldn't say that and I am grateful for the body I do have, it is just so frustrating because of how I'm always having to battle myself. Yesterday I decided to take the time for myself to henna my hair. It's quite the process, but it's worth it for me, as low maintenance as I am. First I mixed up my henna and then I washed my hair with just some clarifying shampoo, no conditioner before the henna. I wasn't smart about this part though, I washed my hair leaning over the tub, which to most people seems like no big deal, but for me and my fucking fibromyalgia, it's a disaster. My body hurts so much from leaning and straining my muscles. My shoulders, my legs, my hips and my bum. I feel like I was hit by a truck. It's so fucking depressing. I know, I know, it could be worse. I am just so tired of it, and trying to do something simple for myself just to pay with pain is such a mind fuck.

After I wash and my hair is mostly dry, I just let it air dry and use my hair towel, I get to the messy part of applying the henna to my hair. I put Vaseline on my hair line to prevent it from getting stained orange. I strip down because I don't want it on my clothes as it will stain, and put gloves on. Then I get to it and apply it with my hands, I think it's easiest. After I wipe up all the mess I've made on myself and the sink and counter and everything and then I put my cap and plastic wrap on my head to ensure that henna doesn't dry out. I leave it for about 4 hours. I then rinse the crap out of it and use conditioner to get the dye out. After a few times of the conditioner I then use my deep conditioning treatment and leave it on my hair as I do my body scrub with my coffee grounds. This was so good because it just leaves my skin feeling like new and so smooth and soft. It was nice to do all this for myself, but I'm sitting here in so much pain today that I just feel so angry. I have so little energy, I just want to sleep, but I'm not sure if I even could because of my body right now. I don't know if I could get comfortable. I might try it though, anything to forget about my pain for a while.
Haha this, I literally just read this. So accurate to what I'm experiencing right now. Just give me a fucking break already. I really hope I can get a bit of sleep.
https://fibromyalgiaresources.com/sleeping-with-fibro/

I managed to sleep a little bit, but I don't know if it helped much. I was tossing and turning a lot because of the pain. I wish I could just have one day of feeling ok. Fuck my life! I'm so angry right now that I can't even begin to explain it. I hope I can do something tonight to take my mind off of all this shit and temporarily feel better. I don't want to be miserable and angry, I just don't know how else to feel, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wouldn't even have fibromyalgia if I didn't have endometriosis. It's all related. I'm so sick of it and I would just love to have one day to feel ok and not pay for it. I just want the pain to stop. I just have to keep reminding myself that it could be so much worse than it is. I have to remember how strong, fierce and fucking brave I am for all I have survived already. I am a fucking star 🌟 Shine on you crazy diamond 🔹

It's back again

I'm in so much pain right now... I actually forgot how bad it could be. I'm going out of my mind trying to keep myself from going crazy. I'm having my period for the first time in a long while. I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. It literally feels like someone is stabbing me in my sides. My life is already hard enough right now.. I don't want to get into it but it's been challenging to say the least. This is the last thing I need. I'm just trying to stay as strong as I can and take it moment by moment. Watching drag race for the 1000000th time. It keeps me sane and helps me forget the pain a little... I'm putting a link for a video an endo sister Jessica Le and her husband made showing, in my opinion, one of the best visual representations of what endometriosis truly feels like. The crazy thing is too is that it goes beyond just the pelvic area.. Right now I feel like I've been punched in the lower back, like someone fully squared off down there. Leg pain, chest pain, nausea, rectal pains... Yeah for real. I've been having those the past few days and nights. Not a pain I'm used too and it feels sharper than I remember. It feels like there is a weight pulling down my insides, in my pelvic area. It feels somethings trying to force it's way out of me. This disease is no joke. It can also develop on the lungs and this means that during your period you cough up blood clots. It can also develop on the brain and eyes I have heard... It can grow on the sciatic nerve as well, which I suspect I may have.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1497597473708978&id=100003762189674

On a positive note I have had a couple of women reach out to me recently to ask me about endometriosis regarding their own health and suspicions of having it. It makes me feel so amazing to be able to help in any way I can and try and steer them in the right direction to get the right kind of help. It took me years to figure out how to even begin to navigate this disease and how to go about getting proper help and advice. To be able to help anyone cut out some of the bullshit I had to go through is such an amazing feeling. I have always loved helping people and it's been a long time since I've felt that joy you get from just doing a small thing for someone else that will make a huge difference. Not to say that I don't help people.. It's just so rewarding when it comes to endometriosis because it's so personal to me and I'm so passionate about not wanting others to suffer like I and so many others have.

Another great moment for me recently is I had some of my writing on my experiences with endometriosis published in a book. It's called Fem Truth Endometriosis Edition a Collection of Stories From Courageous Women. I'll post a link. I'm so honoured to be a part of this, it makes me so proud. It's wonderful to know that our stories are getting out there. I've got to wrap this up and get back to drag race, I'm tired and it's late. I'm glad to write and publish something after so long... It feels good to get some things out.

https://www.amazon.com/FemTruth-Endometriosis-Collection-Stories-Courageous/dp/1798257521

Just trying my best

I'm so frustrated, still having a fair of pain in all different areas of my pelvic region. I thought for sure it would have eased up by now and I can't help but think the endo must be coming back? I'm still not entirely sure they got it all the first time, but who knows. It's such a complicated disease. I just know that I don't want to have me period yet so I'm taking another 3 weeks of the pill and then I'll deal with that demon, I'm just in too much pain as it is right now. It makes it almost impossible to be in a good mood. The pain is so deep that it just fills me with rage. My right shoulder is bugging me again too and work's tomorrow. I can't help but feel like the endo must be back in full swing because I'm feeling pain I haven't in a while and it feels like every time I have a flare-up the pain keeps getting worse. I'm going to have to see a different specialist this time though I think, there is one who seems to be a little closer. It's a man but I don't really care anymore who the Doctor is as long as they are willing to really listen to me and help me. I'm just so tired of feeling so helpless and I know I need to fight harder for myself. I also know I'm tired of this pain already and I'm not even spotting anymore.

A friend tagged me in a post tonight about someone doing interviews with people who suffer from endometriosis so I contacted them and they said they will pass the information on to their cousin (that's who is doing the interviews). The person is apparently writing a book. I really hope I get to share my story. I'm really excited about this opportunity.

Just so tired and angry...

I'm so frustrated with people lately... When I was leaving work I had a co-worker say to me how it must be nice to be going home when I was and work so little (or something akin to that), following up with how they should maybe do that, then they'd be less stressed. I just replied with, "you'd still be stressed out, just in a different way". It was so infuriating, I just muttered "fucking bitch" under my breath and walked out of there as fast as I could. People can be so ignorant and it just makes me so angry. I feel so ashamed of myself on so many levels because of how much my pain limits me. I've been having flare ups too this week and even fucking spotting too. It's probably from all the stress, and believe me I don't say that lightly. I don't want to go into detail but it's been a fucking brutal summer and these past 2 weeks have been a killer. My whole body hurts, pulled muscles, fibromyalgia in full swing and bloated looking 6 months pregnant. I've got to start tracking and documenting my belly, like regular tummy VS bloated. Now that I have Ryan's old phone I can use it for quick pics. Maybe I'll try and do it at the same time every day, set an alarm or something and see if I can see differences. I guess it's time for another period then soon... That will be super fun 👍

I'm just so fed up with feeling so hopeless, I'm probably going to have to have surgery again and the idea of that is so depressing to me, it took me a long time to recover from my last one and the painkillers they had me on after made me an emotional wreck.. Or maybe it was the
anesthetic that did it to me. Whatever it was I don't want to feel like that ever again it was horrible. I just wish there was a cure for this shit. It makes me so angry when I start to think about everything this disease has taken from me and it's hard not to let it define with all the limitations it causes. Venting this out does help a bit too and knowing that my efforts to raise awareness will hopefully help others with maybe early detection or help a loved one identify the cause of their pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, like for real.

I'm trying my best to stay positive and not let it get me down but it can be hard when you try so hard and still don't feel quite good enough. When your body seems to betray you with every move and effort you make. It's a mental battle that is never ending and excruciatingly exhausting. I wish I could take a vacation from my body. It's just all so isolating and lonely sometimes. I guess this is all for now, but I'm actually going to post this entry.. I've done it a few times now where I write a bunch and don't end up posting it. I need to get it out though, even if no one reads it. It's a purge.

I want to do bad things

I've been spotting again the past 4 or 5 days. It's been so painful too. My Mum was telling me that antibiotics can make the pill less effective, so yea. I guess that's part of it? It just hurts so fucking much, it makes me want to hurt people. I wouldn't, but this pain really makes feel like punching someone, or just physically letting someone have it. It's insane, because I have such a weak stomach for gore that it literally makes me faint. This pain just makes me mentally 'off' I guess. It's hard to explain, but it just brings anger and fire with it, maybe because it feels like someone is lighting a fire inside me and stabbing random spots depending on whatever way I happen to move, and oh the stabbing pains up the sides of my vagina that randomly come and go. It's relentless and I could go on and on about what hurts.

I'm happy to say I finally called my Dr. and have an appointment the beginning of next month. I'm looking forward to it, she seems like a kind lady and genuinely seems to like me which feels nice. She seems very down to earth and understanding too, which is refreshing, since my last Dr. was honestly just horrible. I just hope I'm right about my new Dr., that she can help me, and that she wants to help me. I've just got to keep fighting and remember that that's what I'm going to have to keep doing for myself.

I haven't been sleeping great either and this pain is just so exhausting. I'm feel 10 times more tired than usual, and usually I'm tired all the time. It's 'normal' though, well my 'normal' anyway. I'm not complaining about usually being tired, because I can deal with that fatigue, but this fatigue is just awful. I feel like I'm in a daze. I just want to sleep because the pain wears me out so much. I'm having bad stomach pains of all sorts today and I feel like complete shit. I've been having a lot of leg soreness, which is usual with this type of pain, but it's just more tiring.. anyway enough about me being tired and sore, it's just fucking bad and has me in a bit of a mood. I guess I should note to that I started this post a few days ago and just finished it today, but I've been feeling consistently shitty so it all rings true. 

I guess this is all for now, I found a bunch of great awareness positive pics and endo sister shared the other day, I'm going to try and put some in my blogs because I think it helps.