I need to rant

My fucking body is bullshit. I know I shouldn't say that and I am grateful for the body I do have, it is just so frustrating because of how I'm always having to battle myself. Yesterday I decided to take the time for myself to henna my hair. It's quite the process, but it's worth it for me, as low maintenance as I am. First I mixed up my henna and then I washed my hair with just some clarifying shampoo, no conditioner before the henna. I wasn't smart about this part though, I washed my hair leaning over the tub, which to most people seems like no big deal, but for me and my fucking fibromyalgia, it's a disaster. My body hurts so much from leaning and straining my muscles. My shoulders, my legs, my hips and my bum. I feel like I was hit by a truck. It's so fucking depressing. I know, I know, it could be worse. I am just so tired of it, and trying to do something simple for myself just to pay with pain is such a mind fuck.

After I wash and my hair is mostly dry, I just let it air dry and use my hair towel, I get to the messy part of applying the henna to my hair. I put Vaseline on my hair line to prevent it from getting stained orange. I strip down because I don't want it on my clothes as it will stain, and put gloves on. Then I get to it and apply it with my hands, I think it's easiest. After I wipe up all the mess I've made on myself and the sink and counter and everything and then I put my cap and plastic wrap on my head to ensure that henna doesn't dry out. I leave it for about 4 hours. I then rinse the crap out of it and use conditioner to get the dye out. After a few times of the conditioner I then use my deep conditioning treatment and leave it on my hair as I do my body scrub with my coffee grounds. This was so good because it just leaves my skin feeling like new and so smooth and soft. It was nice to do all this for myself, but I'm sitting here in so much pain today that I just feel so angry. I have so little energy, I just want to sleep, but I'm not sure if I even could because of my body right now. I don't know if I could get comfortable. I might try it though, anything to forget about my pain for a while.
Haha this, I literally just read this. So accurate to what I'm experiencing right now. Just give me a fucking break already. I really hope I can get a bit of sleep.
https://fibromyalgiaresources.com/sleeping-with-fibro/

I managed to sleep a little bit, but I don't know if it helped much. I was tossing and turning a lot because of the pain. I wish I could just have one day of feeling ok. Fuck my life! I'm so angry right now that I can't even begin to explain it. I hope I can do something tonight to take my mind off of all this shit and temporarily feel better. I don't want to be miserable and angry, I just don't know how else to feel, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wouldn't even have fibromyalgia if I didn't have endometriosis. It's all related. I'm so sick of it and I would just love to have one day to feel ok and not pay for it. I just want the pain to stop. I just have to keep reminding myself that it could be so much worse than it is. I have to remember how strong, fierce and fucking brave I am for all I have survived already. I am a fucking star 🌟 Shine on you crazy diamond 🔹

It's back again

I'm in so much pain right now... I actually forgot how bad it could be. I'm going out of my mind trying to keep myself from going crazy. I'm having my period for the first time in a long while. I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. It literally feels like someone is stabbing me in my sides. My life is already hard enough right now.. I don't want to get into it but it's been challenging to say the least. This is the last thing I need. I'm just trying to stay as strong as I can and take it moment by moment. Watching drag race for the 1000000th time. It keeps me sane and helps me forget the pain a little... I'm putting a link for a video an endo sister Jessica Le and her husband made showing, in my opinion, one of the best visual representations of what endometriosis truly feels like. The crazy thing is too is that it goes beyond just the pelvic area.. Right now I feel like I've been punched in the lower back, like someone fully squared off down there. Leg pain, chest pain, nausea, rectal pains... Yeah for real. I've been having those the past few days and nights. Not a pain I'm used too and it feels sharper than I remember. It feels like there is a weight pulling down my insides, in my pelvic area. It feels somethings trying to force it's way out of me. This disease is no joke. It can also develop on the lungs and this means that during your period you cough up blood clots. It can also develop on the brain and eyes I have heard... It can grow on the sciatic nerve as well, which I suspect I may have.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1497597473708978&id=100003762189674

On a positive note I have had a couple of women reach out to me recently to ask me about endometriosis regarding their own health and suspicions of having it. It makes me feel so amazing to be able to help in any way I can and try and steer them in the right direction to get the right kind of help. It took me years to figure out how to even begin to navigate this disease and how to go about getting proper help and advice. To be able to help anyone cut out some of the bullshit I had to go through is such an amazing feeling. I have always loved helping people and it's been a long time since I've felt that joy you get from just doing a small thing for someone else that will make a huge difference. Not to say that I don't help people.. It's just so rewarding when it comes to endometriosis because it's so personal to me and I'm so passionate about not wanting others to suffer like I and so many others have.

Another great moment for me recently is I had some of my writing on my experiences with endometriosis published in a book. It's called Fem Truth Endometriosis Edition a Collection of Stories From Courageous Women. I'll post a link. I'm so honoured to be a part of this, it makes me so proud. It's wonderful to know that our stories are getting out there. I've got to wrap this up and get back to drag race, I'm tired and it's late. I'm glad to write and publish something after so long... It feels good to get some things out.

https://www.amazon.com/FemTruth-Endometriosis-Collection-Stories-Courageous/dp/1798257521