So many emotions

I feel like I'm going to have to get really personal, in order to get everything out. It's been a hard week, emotionally. I read about another Endo sister leaving our world this week. The third or fourth this year it feels like. It makes me so unbelievably sad, my heart just brakes. I can't help but think, that could be me. I could be that woman, who tries and fights so hard and does everything she can to keep her head above water and survive. I know how desperate, isolated and lonely Endo can make you feel.

I'm frustrated more than usual lately, I know it's partially sexually related. Yes I'm going there. See after surgery things have been better in the sense that I don't have killer pains like I used to after an orgasm, but I have been having some pain still. That's not even the problem really though. the problem is that my pelvic muscles are all screwed up from all of those painful., contracting orgasms (I'm pretty sure that's what caused it) and things don't work properly. I've been trying to do kegels and whatnot but it's difficult as my pelvis is in really bad shape. I got myself some ben-wah balls last week, they are glass so they are nice and smooth and easy to use. They seem to be working ok, I've been using then every couple of days. I want to do it more, but you have to work your way up. I've since learned about Yoni eggs too, and would like to get one of those, maybe green aventurite like my earrings. It's such a pretty stone. I need to be able to get my sexual health back, it's very important to me and my sanity. It's so depressing. I'm going to hopefully go and see Dr. Kroft again soon, I've still been spotting a bit and I need to see her. I need to touch base about my health and see what she thinks about my spotting and whatnot. I'm still having a lot of pain in my right side too, to comes and goes when it wants to, but when it's bad, it's bad. It's like a hot poker pushing inside me, it's really bad right now. When I woke up with Ryan this morning to get him ready for work my hips and legs were so sore, and still are. I feel like I ran a marathon or something, though I did nothing. It's like sciatic pain on both sides (I usually have it on my right side. sometimes my left, but never both) my lower back, my right hip, I'm just in agony. I really am. I'm glad it's the weekend so I have my rock here with me to keep me going. It's going to take some getting used to for me now that Ryan is working, as happy for him as I am. I just never realized how much I need him, more than ever. He always knows what to say to me when I'm getting stressed out or having a bad day. I also never realized how much we (or at least I) love spending time together. I don't know that many couples that spend as much time as we do together sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He's my best friend. I can't imagine life without him.
I called Dr. Krofts's office today and left a message. I assume I will get a call back on Monday. I hope I don't have to wait too long for an appointment.

It's Monday night and I still haven't posted this entry. I'm still waiting to hear back from Dr. Kroft's office, I might call tomorrow. I've still been having bad pain on and off in my side, it's not to bad at the moment but it was bad this morning I had a good weekend with Ryan and today he only worked the afternoon because it was so cold this morning. I had a busy-ish morning doing a bit of running around. Slept this afternoon. I got myself some nice black and flowered leggings for 5$ and Joe and some nice joggers too. They were 15$ on sale but were scanning at regular price so I asked for the scanning code of practice and got them for 5$ as well. It was so awesome, I was on a high for sure. I love getting a great deal, and I can always use more comfy clothes. Things are going well, but I still have lots to do. It never ends. Thankfully I got my taxes done when I did too.

the worst part

It's moments like this that I get really sad and depressed and down on myself. I had to call into work today, the one shift I have a week, because I'm in too much pain and I can't sleep much. It's so hard not to hate myself, I can't help but cry. I took 2 extra strength ibproufin a couple of hours ago, so I took a gravol and I'm going to take a Tylenol one. I don't like to take them because of the caffeine as it makes me cramps worse, but I need some relief. It's my left shoulder, it been bugging me on and off for a while now and it feels almost like a pinched nerve or maybe muscle tension. Whatever it is, it hurts like a bitch, I'm going to stop typing for now actually...

I managed to go back to bed finally around noon and slept for the afternoon. My schedule is all messed up, even more than usual. At least I managed to get some more sleep, that's the main thing. I just hope that I can get things in order and things will get better.