Just trying my best

I'm so frustrated, still having a fair of pain in all different areas of my pelvic region. I thought for sure it would have eased up by now and I can't help but think the endo must be coming back? I'm still not entirely sure they got it all the first time, but who knows. It's such a complicated disease. I just know that I don't want to have me period yet so I'm taking another 3 weeks of the pill and then I'll deal with that demon, I'm just in too much pain as it is right now. It makes it almost impossible to be in a good mood. The pain is so deep that it just fills me with rage. My right shoulder is bugging me again too and work's tomorrow. I can't help but feel like the endo must be back in full swing because I'm feeling pain I haven't in a while and it feels like every time I have a flare-up the pain keeps getting worse. I'm going to have to see a different specialist this time though I think, there is one who seems to be a little closer. It's a man but I don't really care anymore who the Doctor is as long as they are willing to really listen to me and help me. I'm just so tired of feeling so helpless and I know I need to fight harder for myself. I also know I'm tired of this pain already and I'm not even spotting anymore.

A friend tagged me in a post tonight about someone doing interviews with people who suffer from endometriosis so I contacted them and they said they will pass the information on to their cousin (that's who is doing the interviews). The person is apparently writing a book. I really hope I get to share my story. I'm really excited about this opportunity.

Just so tired and angry...

I'm so frustrated with people lately... When I was leaving work I had a co-worker say to me how it must be nice to be going home when I was and work so little (or something akin to that), following up with how they should maybe do that, then they'd be less stressed. I just replied with, "you'd still be stressed out, just in a different way". It was so infuriating, I just muttered "fucking bitch" under my breath and walked out of there as fast as I could. People can be so ignorant and it just makes me so angry. I feel so ashamed of myself on so many levels because of how much my pain limits me. I've been having flare ups too this week and even fucking spotting too. It's probably from all the stress, and believe me I don't say that lightly. I don't want to go into detail but it's been a fucking brutal summer and these past 2 weeks have been a killer. My whole body hurts, pulled muscles, fibromyalgia in full swing and bloated looking 6 months pregnant. I've got to start tracking and documenting my belly, like regular tummy VS bloated. Now that I have Ryan's old phone I can use it for quick pics. Maybe I'll try and do it at the same time every day, set an alarm or something and see if I can see differences. I guess it's time for another period then soon... That will be super fun 👍

I'm just so fed up with feeling so hopeless, I'm probably going to have to have surgery again and the idea of that is so depressing to me, it took me a long time to recover from my last one and the painkillers they had me on after made me an emotional wreck.. Or maybe it was the
anesthetic that did it to me. Whatever it was I don't want to feel like that ever again it was horrible. I just wish there was a cure for this shit. It makes me so angry when I start to think about everything this disease has taken from me and it's hard not to let it define with all the limitations it causes. Venting this out does help a bit too and knowing that my efforts to raise awareness will hopefully help others with maybe early detection or help a loved one identify the cause of their pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, like for real.

I'm trying my best to stay positive and not let it get me down but it can be hard when you try so hard and still don't feel quite good enough. When your body seems to betray you with every move and effort you make. It's a mental battle that is never ending and excruciatingly exhausting. I wish I could take a vacation from my body. It's just all so isolating and lonely sometimes. I guess this is all for now, but I'm actually going to post this entry.. I've done it a few times now where I write a bunch and don't end up posting it. I need to get it out though, even if no one reads it. It's a purge.