The after pain

So I was feeling really good about making my shift yesterday and do as well as I did. I was trying to stand more than usual to keep myself from getting too comfortable. I thought it was good until I woke up with a charlie horse in my right calf, that my moaning in pain woke Ryan up.

So I started this yesterday and didn't finish my thoughts. I'm still pretty sore today and tired, I'm so frustrated with how just a few hours of working can leave me so tired and sore. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I just hope I can find a Dr. soon and get some more help. The Dr. and the pain clinic I go to whom I skype with is really nice and kind, it helps me have faith that I can find someone who will be willing to help me too. I'm just hoping it isn't too far for me to get to. I just want to get better so badly, just be able to feel better about myself so I can start to live again. Even if it's just to be able to do things at home and be creative on some level is good enough for me. I don't need much to be happy. Not that I'm unhappy either, just unsatisfied with my situation financially and in feeling secure like I can take care of myself. It will get better though. In the meantime I'm binge watching Friends on Netflix, some good feel good TV. It's been a few years for sure.

keeping my head up

It was a miracle that I made it, but I feel better for it. I can't describe how utterly depressing it is to not even be able to function on such a basic level. It's just like being in a plastic bubble sort of, only you don't look ill. Anyway, I've been downloading a bunch of music that I love, from Gaga to Floyd and everything else in between. Music from my youth that makes me feel like I'm in a warm pool, safe and relaxed. Music that makes me feel empowered and strong. I've always got so much confidence from music and how it transcends space and time and can make you feel a certain way. It's so powerful, I only wish I was more musically inclined and that I could sing because of how much I love to. Ahh well at least I can be creative in other ways, which brings me to my soul crushing dilemma. Maybe soul crushing sounds a bit too drastic, but it's the best way I can describe it in order to convey how deeply I feel it.

What I'm specifically talking about is how much my illness and pain and everything affects my ability to be my best artist self I can be. I haven't done a decent painting in a couple of years. I miss being able to get messy and paint the way I love to. I miss so much I don't even know where to begin. The other thing is the older I get the more I want to try other means of creating and I fear I'm not going to get those chances. I know I am capable of making some amazing things. I hate feeling creatively trapped within myself, I wish there was some way for me to get it out, I just want to throw paint everywhere. I have to make some art for my youngest niece as I gave her sister 2 paintings and she has none yet. I've got some ideas for some name art for the both of them at least. It has to be something special though. I just have too many ideas sometimes too and I think that's part of the problem. I need to try and organize them... I also need to organize my craft/art supplies like mad. They are such a mess. I'll be like oh yeah, I had that for this idea and this for that. I feel better already after just getting some of this out into the world. I've got to start taking some pictures again soon, maybe go for some city/ nature walks soon and even stop by the garden center at work. I love taking pictures, it's been too long.

I think this is all for now. I hate trying to end with something that sounds intelligent so yea... Yes I try my best to sound intelligent and educated. I know my writing has some major flaws though.

A plea to my body

Please let me have the strength and grace to make it though today. Please let me be strong enough to fake it for 5 hours. Please let my body cooperate with me. Please let me not sweat like crazy before I even get to where I need to be. Please just let me be as 'normal' as possible for today. Please.

crazy stuff

Saturday was interesting, as I had to go to the clinic to get a refill on my Paxil since I still haven't found a family physician. I ended up of all the chances seeing my old Dr., Dr. Sivaharan, who is just an evil, awful woman. I ended up confronting her about her claim that I was verbally abusive to her and her reaction was null. She had nothing to say for herself and really what could she say because she knows she's so wrong. I told her she's made it very hard for me to find a Dr. and because of what she said a very kind one didn't take me on. I asked her why is she even a Dr. if she doesn't want the help people and I told her that she has no compassion. It's such a joke, I don't even know what to say but she is just pure evil with no compassion or remorse. I have a really hard time understanding people like that. It just reminds me though that I have a tough fight ahead of me and that I need to keep pushing. I'm going to try health care connect and maybe I'll get somewhere and then I can hopefully look into O.D.S.P. because I need to be able to financially support myself as work is just becoming impossible. It's pretty fucked up since I was basically told no to come in when I'm in pain which is always so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm just trying my best to take it a day at a time and stay strong. I just downloaded some female artists that give me strength and feed my soul. I need to keep doing the little things I do for myself and remember how awesome I really am and that I deserve help.

My body is really sore too from having to just walk home from the clinic on Saturday. Luckily it was nice out, but I seriously can't believe how much my body hurts from the walk. I don't even know how to explain how bad it is, it is just so discouraging. I just can't believe how much worse my pain seems to have become. I feel like an old woman, I really am not looking foward to getting much older.

I'm so frustrated with how tired I am all of the time as well, and I know it's nearly impossible to understand. I struggle myself trying to wrap my head around how a simple outing with very little walking can leave me so exhausted. Ughhh, I'm just so sick of myself.
I've got to do something to raise more awareness, seriously start composing some letters.

Finding some peace

I've missed my pill for 2 days now, taking a lighter hormone and already I want to murder someone. The pain is so insane. It's crazy how much I don't miss this shit and how bad it is and how you forget that. Still though, I refuse to let it ruin my weekend, as I'm going to visit my Mum for a couple days. My sister is in Cuba this week with her bestie and my Mum was going to come and see me so I thought I'd ask to come home for a wee visit instead. I'm looking forward to it, it's always nice to go home, and it'll be good it have some girl time with my Mum. She's going to give me a much needed hair cut too.

A little break will do me good. The sunny days are helping too. I got myself an essential oil diffuser locket necklace, which I've wanted for a long time now. I can't wait for it to arrive. It will be good for me, I'll use lavender a lot I know as it's the most soothing to me. Maybe mix some lavender and orange too, or patchouli. It will be fun and good for me.

So, I went to my home and had a really nice time. I love how quiet it is there, it's so peaceful. My Mum cut my hair for me and it looks and feels so great. She's really good at it. I got to have a nice visit with my dear longtime friend Mj. It was so lovely to see her and catch up. I'm truly grateful for our friendship as we have known each other since we were children, though we are a few years apart, and didn't hang out for a good time and then re-connected as teenagers . It makes me happy that we are still friends after knowing each other for so long, I don't have many friends like that. I also went to dinner with my Mum at her friends house for a lovely meal. It was so nice and she had such a lovely home. It was a good time all around and nice to have some one on one time with my Mum. Trying to stay positive. 

I just wanna feel good

I'm having the worst time right now, I feel so helpless. I'm so fucking tired of not being able to take care of myself, I feel so pathetic. I've got no where trying to get help finding a Dr. close to home. It's like no one has any empathy anymore. I don't even know. I just feel so defeated and helpless. I'm seriously wondering how much more I can take. It's like some cosmic joke, the universe just keeps throwing shit at me. I'm only going to keep fighting though, and the harder it gets, the more fired up I get. I've got to get creative in getting help. It's just unbelievable how far I've slipped through the cracks. This system is a joke, especially when you are a woman. I've got to start writing letters to help raise awareness, to anyone who will listen, everyone. I know I have the skills to make something happen, and I know I can write intelligently. I just need to do some research, more than I've already done. I just wish there were more resources available to me. The lack of help for women with endometriosis is un acceptable. It's so hard to live with this, and there needs to be MUCH more for those of us in need. I just hope that things can start to change and that I can find a good Dr. who really wants to help me and that I can start to feel able to support myself. I'm so tired of not feeling secure and able to take care of myself.

I started this a while ago now and I'm still feeling just as down and frustrated. I've been so mistreated it's a joke. I'm going to have to stop procrastinating and get on it. It's just that I have so little faith. I know what I have to do, or at least try. It's getting to the point that I can't even keep my employer happy anymore and I'm scared I'm going to lose my job. If that happens I don't even know what I'm going to do. I feel so helpless and pathetic, I loathe it. It's such a vicious cycle of emotions to be stuck in. I feel like I don't even know who I am besides just a sick person anymore. I just want to be able to take care of myself. It's like I'm stuck in a hole trying to claw my way out. I just want to give up sometimes. I don't know what I would if it wasn't for my family and friends. I'm so lucky to have the support I get from them, as I know not everyone does either. I just wish I could financially support myself and not feel like such a burden, the guilt that this gives me is just killing me.