It was a miracle that I made it, but I feel better for it. I can't describe how utterly depressing it is to not even be able to function on such a basic level. It's just like being in a plastic bubble sort of, only you don't look ill. Anyway, I've been downloading a bunch of music that I love, from Gaga to Floyd and everything else in between. Music from my youth that makes me feel like I'm in a warm pool, safe and relaxed. Music that makes me feel empowered and strong. I've always got so much confidence from music and how it transcends space and time and can make you feel a certain way. It's so powerful, I only wish I was more musically inclined and that I could sing because of how much I love to. Ahh well at least I can be creative in other ways, which brings me to my soul crushing dilemma. Maybe soul crushing sounds a bit too drastic, but it's the best way I can describe it in order to convey how deeply I feel it.
What I'm specifically talking about is how much my illness and pain and everything affects my ability to be my best artist self I can be. I haven't done a decent painting in a couple of years. I miss being able to get messy and paint the way I love to. I miss so much I don't even know where to begin. The other thing is the older I get the more I want to try other means of creating and I fear I'm not going to get those chances. I know I am capable of making some amazing things. I hate feeling creatively trapped within myself, I wish there was some way for me to get it out, I just want to throw paint everywhere. I have to make some art for my youngest niece as I gave her sister 2 paintings and she has none yet. I've got some ideas for some name art for the both of them at least. It has to be something special though. I just have too many ideas sometimes too and I think that's part of the problem. I need to try and organize them... I also need to organize my craft/art supplies like mad. They are such a mess. I'll be like oh yeah, I had that for this idea and this for that. I feel better already after just getting some of this out into the world. I've got to start taking some pictures again soon, maybe go for some city/ nature walks soon and even stop by the garden center at work. I love taking pictures, it's been too long.
I think this is all for now. I hate trying to end with something that sounds intelligent so yea... Yes I try my best to sound intelligent and educated. I know my writing has some major flaws though.
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