I'm so tired

This has been a bad period so far, even before I started bleeding today. I just want to die because it's so bad. It makes me so tired and drained and it takes me soo long to recover from it, if I ever do. I am so sore, I just want to sleep in my bathtub because it's the most relief I can get. I will have another hot one before bed, with lavender oil and baking soda and Epsom salts. I napped earlier and I put some lavender oil on a tissue and held it to my nose and inhaled it as I fell asleep. It really helped, and I will do it again tonight, as it is very soothing and relaxing. I hope I can get a good sleep tonight, I have to get up early because the owners of the building or something are coming just to check in with everyone as people have been complaining about the new landlord. Ah well, I can nap after they come. The story of my life, I live for naps. I sleep so much it's absurd, but that's just a part of my life now. I need to because of how tired I constantly am and it just never seems to end. I wake up tired. I still have a hard time sleeping though, and when I do sleep I feel like I move around so much that I might make my pain worse. I know I need to go to a sleep clinic, I need to find a new Dr. I did get a call about an appointment for a gastro specialist but its not until march, I need to get myself on the cancellation list.

I still can't get over how bad my pain is this month. It's so hard to describe too, I can say that my pain on my right side hasn't been as bad as usual, but my other pain has more than made up for that. It sort of feels like there are weights or something in my pelvis/uterus and they are moving around pulling on everything. It's like all of my insides are stuck together and when I move everything hurts. My stomach is so swollen and bloated I look 6 months pregnant. I am always in wonder of how much I bloat. This meme says it all..

Mother fucking Pain

The pain has been really fucking bad recently. I am in a world of pain and it is hard because it can make me miserable, I have to do my very best to stay positive. Especially with my fucking PMS. Thank god I can self medicate, I don't even care what people think anymore. If it wasn't for weed I would spend all day in bed, unable to eat, sit up, watch TV, doodle, or do whatever to distract myself. It helps me laugh, dream and imagine. It helps me feel human again. I live day to day and moment to moment, I try my best to stay as positive as possible and enjoy every little thing I can. I spend more time in bed than most. I try to make myself feel pretty with being as comfortable and doing as little as possible. I don't wear makeup hardly at all, not even because I don't even want to, but because it takes to much time and effort. I am more than confident without it though. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and not care or worry what people think of me, I don't have time for that. My time is so precious now because of my illnesses and I will only do what's best for me and my own.

I just tossed and turned in bed for over 2 hours and I am in so much pain I can't sleep. Usually I am lucky enough that my tiredness surpasses my pain, but not tonight. I'm so frustrated, but I'm just going to smoke some weed and watch something funny on Kodi or sometime to keep my mind off my unbearable fucking pain until someone wakes up so I can go for a bath. I don't want to go for a bath while everyone else is sleeping, not safe, especially in my condition. Unless I get super tired and can't stay awake and can actually sleep.

I will say one thing for being chronically in pain, you really learn who your real friend are. You can easily tell what kind of a person you are dealing with as soon as you bring up your illness. You can tell who really cares.

I'm struggling a bit with the reality that I have 2 chronic illnesses that have no cure and both cause chronic pain. It's like one isn't enough? I don't want to feel sorry for myself, sometimes it's hard not to. I just feel like it's not fair for me to have this much pain, how can one person be able to take all of this on? I loathe myself because of how little I can do now, especially on days like this. I feel so useless and guilty sometimes. I do however have to remember how lucky I am. I have the most wonderful boyfriend who has stuck it out with me through all of this shit, and I know not everyone would. Ryan is so special to me, he's my best friend and he can always make me laugh. He makes me feel so loved and special all the time. I don't know what I would do without him, he really is my rock.

I've been working on this post since last night sometime.. I know I have more to say, but I think this will do for now. I'm going to try and have the best night possible and try my best to sleep. I will have another bath before bed, use lavender oil.

a small victory yesterday

I had a Dr.'s appointment yesterday, and I'll admit I was nervous considering how my last couple have with my family Dr. Well, I went to see an rheumatologist today, who I had got a referral for back in march I think, so I'd been waiting a while. I have to say though it went really well. Him and the nurse were very thorough and kind, They asked lots of questions to rule out other ailments and checked my trigger points. Man was it painful, but it was necessary to diagnose fibromyalgia. Yes I got a diagnosis, I know I shouldn't be as happy as I am, but it makes me feel so much better. I have a real reason for my pain, I can explain things much better to people know when I am educating too. Fibromyalgia is a co-morbid symptom of Endometriosis, so it only makes sense that I have this, and therefore it adds to my pain. I just feel so vindicated! I feel like I am going to be able to get help much easier now, and my confidence is that much stronger. I feel empowered and strong because I knew there was something wrong with my body for many years, even if I did ignore it at times.

I can't wait until Monday morning. We, as in Ryan, his parents and myself, have rented a cottage for 5 days. It is going to be so good to get out of the city for a few days and get myself some nature. I can't wait to go swimming (it better be warm enough) and having a bonfire. It really is a good time for a vacation, and we need it. It's just a matter of getting everything ready now, and I have to do laundry, which I loathe.