Mother fucking Pain

The pain has been really fucking bad recently. I am in a world of pain and it is hard because it can make me miserable, I have to do my very best to stay positive. Especially with my fucking PMS. Thank god I can self medicate, I don't even care what people think anymore. If it wasn't for weed I would spend all day in bed, unable to eat, sit up, watch TV, doodle, or do whatever to distract myself. It helps me laugh, dream and imagine. It helps me feel human again. I live day to day and moment to moment, I try my best to stay as positive as possible and enjoy every little thing I can. I spend more time in bed than most. I try to make myself feel pretty with being as comfortable and doing as little as possible. I don't wear makeup hardly at all, not even because I don't even want to, but because it takes to much time and effort. I am more than confident without it though. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and not care or worry what people think of me, I don't have time for that. My time is so precious now because of my illnesses and I will only do what's best for me and my own.

I just tossed and turned in bed for over 2 hours and I am in so much pain I can't sleep. Usually I am lucky enough that my tiredness surpasses my pain, but not tonight. I'm so frustrated, but I'm just going to smoke some weed and watch something funny on Kodi or sometime to keep my mind off my unbearable fucking pain until someone wakes up so I can go for a bath. I don't want to go for a bath while everyone else is sleeping, not safe, especially in my condition. Unless I get super tired and can't stay awake and can actually sleep.

I will say one thing for being chronically in pain, you really learn who your real friend are. You can easily tell what kind of a person you are dealing with as soon as you bring up your illness. You can tell who really cares.

I'm struggling a bit with the reality that I have 2 chronic illnesses that have no cure and both cause chronic pain. It's like one isn't enough? I don't want to feel sorry for myself, sometimes it's hard not to. I just feel like it's not fair for me to have this much pain, how can one person be able to take all of this on? I loathe myself because of how little I can do now, especially on days like this. I feel so useless and guilty sometimes. I do however have to remember how lucky I am. I have the most wonderful boyfriend who has stuck it out with me through all of this shit, and I know not everyone would. Ryan is so special to me, he's my best friend and he can always make me laugh. He makes me feel so loved and special all the time. I don't know what I would do without him, he really is my rock.

I've been working on this post since last night sometime.. I know I have more to say, but I think this will do for now. I'm going to try and have the best night possible and try my best to sleep. I will have another bath before bed, use lavender oil.