crazy stuff

Saturday was interesting, as I had to go to the clinic to get a refill on my Paxil since I still haven't found a family physician. I ended up of all the chances seeing my old Dr., Dr. Sivaharan, who is just an evil, awful woman. I ended up confronting her about her claim that I was verbally abusive to her and her reaction was null. She had nothing to say for herself and really what could she say because she knows she's so wrong. I told her she's made it very hard for me to find a Dr. and because of what she said a very kind one didn't take me on. I asked her why is she even a Dr. if she doesn't want the help people and I told her that she has no compassion. It's such a joke, I don't even know what to say but she is just pure evil with no compassion or remorse. I have a really hard time understanding people like that. It just reminds me though that I have a tough fight ahead of me and that I need to keep pushing. I'm going to try health care connect and maybe I'll get somewhere and then I can hopefully look into O.D.S.P. because I need to be able to financially support myself as work is just becoming impossible. It's pretty fucked up since I was basically told no to come in when I'm in pain which is always so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm just trying my best to take it a day at a time and stay strong. I just downloaded some female artists that give me strength and feed my soul. I need to keep doing the little things I do for myself and remember how awesome I really am and that I deserve help.

My body is really sore too from having to just walk home from the clinic on Saturday. Luckily it was nice out, but I seriously can't believe how much my body hurts from the walk. I don't even know how to explain how bad it is, it is just so discouraging. I just can't believe how much worse my pain seems to have become. I feel like an old woman, I really am not looking foward to getting much older.

I'm so frustrated with how tired I am all of the time as well, and I know it's nearly impossible to understand. I struggle myself trying to wrap my head around how a simple outing with very little walking can leave me so exhausted. Ughhh, I'm just so sick of myself.
I've got to do something to raise more awareness, seriously start composing some letters.