so angry with my body

I'm so frustrated with my body right now. I've had a toothache since yesterday, just out of the blue. I didn't eat anything that caused it, and I had to miss work again because it's just to painful. I'm even more angry because I'm still bleeding and having cramps. I started my period 15 days ago, which means yea, I've been bleeding that long. It gets old really fast. It just makes me hate my body so much, and the pain in my right side is the kind that makes me nauseous. I'm so sick of hormonal shit, along with all of this I can feel myself starting to get depressed and angry because of it. I can feel the hormones making me more emotional. It's such fucking bullshit. I just want to feel 'normal' and be able to feel like I am in control of myself and my emotions, I want to know that getting my period isn't going to be a bed sentence and cause me to miss work. I'm so tired of having my period control my life.

^this was started on Wednesday June 15th^

I'm fucking missing work again today. I went in feeling fine and everything and then my pain started and it got so bad I just couldn't take it anymore and had to come home. I can't stop crying, because it makes me so emotional, not to forget the slight comment one of my managers made about me having to leave every time they are working and it's busy. Which is total bullshit. I know I had to come home a few months ago, like in March or April because I had a panic attack. It's so fucking frustrating because people don't understand how much this shit affects my moods and emotions and hormones. I work as hard as I possibly can, and do the best I can. I wouldn't come home unless the pain was as bad as it is, I go to work in pain everyday as it is. I'm just so fucking sick of feeling like I'm locked in a cage, trying to get out, trying to escape my body. I wish I could just make everyone who knows me and thinks I'm faking it or whatever would watch Endo what? so they could get some idea. It infuriates me how little awareness there is about this disease, I feel like a broken record.

I so wish that I could have just one day to know what it feels like to feel 'normal' and pain free. I would love to know what it's like to feel like a 30 year old woman who is healthy. I'm so over this shit, I'm really starting to wonder how much more I can take. Thankfully I've got surgery in Oct, and I'm hopeful with the specialist I found. I know that if I was healthy I could handle life, and really live, so much better. Right now it just feels like I'm faking my way through.

I wonder what specifically is causing this pain in my body? If it's an adhesion on my ovary or my appendix, or if it's bowel related? It's kind of hard to tell because of the location, I just know that it hurts like a motherfucker, it's sharp and deep and sort of feels like something's pulling. I also wonder if the pain is going to keep going, or get worse and I'm worried for tomorrow. I really hope not. I just can't believe how low I feel, it's bad enough having to miss more work this week, but then have someone say something so mean to me. It's uncalled for, especially from a manager. I'm over people judging me because of my pain, or what I can't and should be able to do for a 30 year old. I challenge any of them to live in my body for just a day and I guarantee they would be singing a different tune. Once I get myself taken care of and my health in order I will be making sure there are changes to the system so that god forbid, one of my nieces ends up like me.

I guess this is enough venting for today. I'm going to try and sleep I think.